idealism helps. its given me a lot out of life. unlike people who say they are 'tired running'. i never realised i was running. never looked at it that way. i juiced out every situation, every place, every phase of life hungrily, to get out of it, what could best please me. maybe i didnt direct my sails anywhichway, but i took in all the sights that my journey led me through, with equal excitement. yes, i allowed myself to be swept away with the direction of the wind after just a little bit of steering in some direction, usually. may be thats why i never ran. but i think that was happier. just going with the flow. and living where i went. sometimes by sheer luck it led to dreams. so what if they were continuously threatened with morning alarms of disappointment, disappointemnt that reeked of allegations that they were not mine to embrace but were duty to perform. that it was illegal to house my heart in them. that they were meant to simply busy my head in, in preset ways before life moved on. i am glad i got involved with life. i am glad i let it lead me to bounty. its ever since i decided to take the reins in my hands, because it looked like the journey had come to a standstill, that i seemed to have lost my way. and its not even that every direction beckons, in which case i would be more than delighted to stop by and explore, maybe never really get on. this has been a long stillness. im sure there is a purpose. and already at times i feel im growing as a person day by day. and the growth doesnt mean accumulation of bitterness, unlike some people who surprise me.
but im dying to get on board and sail again. if this break is to prepare for a longer journey ahead, i am already packing my bags well. but im dying to feel the wind caused by my motion, on my face. im yearning for speed and novelty. and weather that will throw me off balance enticing me with what it can offer if tamed. my successes have not always been what could be flaunted to the world. but that doesnt reduce the idealism in them for me