and i'm finally beginning to crawl!

with some fateful pushing and prodding...

existence... purpose... joy... culminate into a private smile and a deep breath of this cool fresh Friday morning air. and a sense of 'being about' when the world is vacationing :)

learning of the day

Stanley Kubrick did not attend college. and he made his first documentary movie when he was just some 23 yrs old. even this had something of that terror that his movies arouse in me... although the end surprised me a great deal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOot3_c87j0&feature=related

and here is his second film in that same year

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZtdBQmG17k

this one takes on a very different note.

funny feeling

its a funny feeling. comes to me when i get home after a party. but not after all parties...?

like a scramble of post-multi-person-conversation loneliness, longing for some other people i want around me, philosophical musing about the meaning of it all, of the memory of the solitude while smiling and listening to people laughing around me, and of holding on to this night, not wanting it to end, just like this, alone. of wanting to freeze this moment as it is, for what reason, god knows. for a reasonless desire to halt life, time, thought, everything. its not happiness its not sadness. its a strong nostalgia for the present moment, and a strange curiosity for it. and that is the feeling itself. its a funny feeling for the funny feeling. and i'm not even drunk. it usually comes to me when i haven't drunk. maybe that's just it.

about me

what was so different about that moment itself? that late cold morning when without a warning you walked in and introduced yourself. its been a new phase in my life since then. usually a phase would start with a new place or a new thing, but this time everything else remained undisturbed. except that you brought in with yourself an honesty, a humaneness, a bold brazenness, a childhood, a humor, a sulk, a teasing, that i had shed behind slowly in so many years...

you remind me so much of myself years ago. i see a little bit of my history in you every now and then.

a nice visual scene

from Nausea - Sartre

"For example, Saturday, about four in the afternoon, on the end of the timbered sidewalk of the new station yard, a little woman in sky blue was running backwards, laughing, waving a handkerchief. At the same time, a negro in a cream-colored raincoat, yellow shoes and a green hat, turned the corner of the street and whistled. Still going backwards, the woman bumped into him, underneath a lantern which hangs on a paling and which is lit at night. All at one there was the paling smelling strongly of wet wood, this lantern and this little blonde woman in the negro's arms under a sky the color of fire. If there had been four five of us, I suppose we would have noticed the jolt, the soft colors, the beautiful blue coat that looked like an eiderdown quilt, the light raincoat, the red panes of the lantern; we would have laughed at the stupefaction which appeared on those two childish faces."

i don't really know what the word 'friend' means. but i do know that i don't want to like someone or be indebted to a friend because of his/her availability in times of my need. just like it is difficult to describe 'love' for you partner in words so is it impossible to try to explain why we want to spend time with some people. and why, much before one decides consciously, that decision is made by the chemistry between two people.

there are people you learn to get along with. those that you learn to tolerate. others that you admire right from the first glance, sometimes for inexplicable reasons. but i'm talking about those that in the very first meeting you genuinely and deeply like and are attracted to in an innocuous manner. also such an attraction is inadvertently also sexual in its mildest form because it does not arise between people of the same sex, or between homosexuals of the opposite sex. and it is this attraction that is the subject here. it is the basis of a rare treasuring of the acquaintance. it is the beginning of a platonic relationship between heterosexual members of the opposite sex.

the attraction despite itself argues against itself. argues to keep the relationship innocent of sex. that word is abhorred in some such relationships because it would kill the magic that exists between such two people. and the success of this 'friendship' depends on how successfully both silently acknowledge the attraction and agree with this.

and that depends (like this 'friend' of mine hit the nail on the head, with this observation), not on what's shared or not between these two people; but what's shared between each of them and their respective partners in life. how strong their bonds are with their partners, determines how well they handle magic with other people.

“Out of damp and gloomy days, out of solitude, out of loveless words directed at us, conclusions grow up in us like fungus: one morning they are there, we know not how, and they gaze upon us, morose and gray. Woe to the thinker who is not the gardener but only the soil of the plants that grow in him.”

- Nietzsche

next on the post agenda: platonic relationships between men and women

why its easier to like men than women

women live in their own worlds. they are so much more inward-oriented than men. everything they think, see, or do, revolves around them as the center. and more often than not, they don't see or think of what's outside of them.

everything is related to in a personal manner. in how it would be if they were at the center. there's obviously more empathy in a woman than in a man. but there's also more exasperation when dealing with women than with men. even the most self-centered man indulges himself unconsciously, while observing the world.