a deep seated anxiety when awakened without warning can sometimes cause frustration, and the frustration can turn into anger at the person who awakened the anxiety. that anger can feel like a sudden and unexplained attack to that person, leading to a sense of helplessness and a feeling of being victimized for no fault of one, turning into a desire to run away to claim one's life and to protect oneself. 

somedays ago on twitter people were sharing personal stories of mental illness of family members, and how it torments not just the patient but their caregivers and live-in family. someone connected it with the idea of mental abuse and how sometimes the only solution is to leave, and maybe that's for the better. 

but sometimes the very essence of the anxiety is the fear of losing a close one, that of being left alone and abandoned. and often the leaving would simply realize that fear, prove that such anxiety can often be a self-fulfilling belief. 

I remember hearing a story on Radiolab years ago, of this lil village/town in Germany where it was the norm to host and house some stranger (often from far away) suffering from mental illness and how the program was quite a success. of the theory arising from that experiment that often family members are not only useless but perverse to patients because they are connected and have expectations. of how kind strangers can be better caregivers because they have the distance from attachment. 

but I think empathy can overcome attachment and expectations. and sometimes it comes in a flash, explaining the source and content of the discord. and you can choose to stay or leave or to go back and hold their hand. and all that matters is that you are family, and that that is larger than these small nights of tears. I never believed in the institution of marriage, in it's social contract, but I do slowly realize it's solace of unconditional love and acknowledgement.

just because someone doesn't do what you hope and expect of them, doesn't mean they aren't trying to do their best. and twitter can communicate much harder sufferings, much more destructive anger, and the resistance to getting help/medication.

somedays ago we were talking about mental illness and death, how I see it as the illness taking life just as you would with a physical ailment, how the patient can lose agency, and how the 'choice' isn't that to end life but is simply the desperation to end suffering, and how the two are not the same thing. 

I am so glad to have found you, and we do fit in like jigsaw pieces with our respective quirks.

I turned 39 some weeks ago. that number sounds and looks so strange still, like I'm talking about someone else. and a lil before that I heard from a guy who was in school with me in third grade. we were probably 9-10 yr olds. some 30 yrs ago. wow. I didn't even remember this guy's name but he says he remembered mine and 3 others' from that class and now saw mine on the faculty list of a sister institute of a university where he is a post doc. I hadn't bothered updating my LinkedIn. he kept saying how struck he was by the coincidence of both of us doing PhDs around the same time in the same city so far away from where we went to school together decades ago. I don't think thats the surprising part cos there's only so many places most desis go to do PhDs. his email gave me a small kick when I needed it, when I was feeling like a nobody. what is surprising is that he remembered me. and then today another long ago classmate messaged me, from the next school. both of these were guys who kept the second place in class where I topped, I think that's why they remember me so well, it was probably something like awe and crush on the person they wanted to beat but couldnt. the second of those schools was the last place I topped in (always effortlessly till then), and after that coming back to India after some years away kinda dislodged me in class forever.

the guy who messaged today I started chatting with. he had remembered my awkwardness all these years and I couldn't help defending myself with the reason. I always thought he had had a crush on me and had thus steered clear of him. he remembered that I had lost some notebook (days before the exam), borrowed his, and then beat him to top again. I laughed and apologized. and I thought he was going to tell me that he had stolen that notebook of mine, maybe to then do me a favor or to get an excuse to talk to me. I thought he was going to tell me that he had written me that anonymous love letter that I both cherished and laughed at for years. but all he said was that he had been shy and teased by others about me. 

I have moved between too many schools, but only a very few of them were co-educational, and mostly all my life I would keep bumping into girls who were my classmates in the past. at one point three women sharing a rickshaw who were living together as students met me, one was my then classmate (Masters program), one my classmate from 10th grade, and another that from 12th grade, and they were just finding out that they all knew me. but I never met guys who had shared a past long ago with me. although there are a few I have been curious about, those few who scared me by their attention. one I remember I left stranded in the middle of the street by hurriedly refusing to share a taxi with him in Bombay and shutting it's door right in his face cos I was afraid he was going to propose in some way if we shared a car and I did like him just as a friend; for years now I have tried searching for him and I fear he doesn't exist anymore and maybe that's my fault. only in a superstitious way (I hope).

funny thing childhood, teenage, growing up, and growing old. I feel like now I can tell and ask everyone from my past all that was for many years very awkward.