a deep seated anxiety when awakened without warning can sometimes cause frustration, and the frustration can turn into anger at the person who awakened the anxiety. that anger can feel like a sudden and unexplained attack to that person, leading to a sense of helplessness and a feeling of being victimized for no fault of one, turning into a desire to run away to claim one's life and to protect oneself. 

somedays ago on twitter people were sharing personal stories of mental illness of family members, and how it torments not just the patient but their caregivers and live-in family. someone connected it with the idea of mental abuse and how sometimes the only solution is to leave, and maybe that's for the better. 

but sometimes the very essence of the anxiety is the fear of losing a close one, that of being left alone and abandoned. and often the leaving would simply realize that fear, prove that such anxiety can often be a self-fulfilling belief. 

I remember hearing a story on Radiolab years ago, of this lil village/town in Germany where it was the norm to host and house some stranger (often from far away) suffering from mental illness and how the program was quite a success. of the theory arising from that experiment that often family members are not only useless but perverse to patients because they are connected and have expectations. of how kind strangers can be better caregivers because they have the distance from attachment. 

but I think empathy can overcome attachment and expectations. and sometimes it comes in a flash, explaining the source and content of the discord. and you can choose to stay or leave or to go back and hold their hand. and all that matters is that you are family, and that that is larger than these small nights of tears. I never believed in the institution of marriage, in it's social contract, but I do slowly realize it's solace of unconditional love and acknowledgement.

just because someone doesn't do what you hope and expect of them, doesn't mean they aren't trying to do their best. and twitter can communicate much harder sufferings, much more destructive anger, and the resistance to getting help/medication.

somedays ago we were talking about mental illness and death, how I see it as the illness taking life just as you would with a physical ailment, how the patient can lose agency, and how the 'choice' isn't that to end life but is simply the desperation to end suffering, and how the two are not the same thing. 

I am so glad to have found you, and we do fit in like jigsaw pieces with our respective quirks.