anything can go over the top.

for some months or maybe years now, I've been wondering how much waste I'm creating and how to reduce it, especially that of non-degradable materials like plastic. some thoughts here.

first, a complete abandonment of plastic and its substitution with paper products would cut down too many trees in this world, and there's nothing to suggest that that wouldn't be more catastrophic for this world than the current norm; what's important then is simply reusing bags (and other things) till their death, regardless of what those bags are made of. I now always keep shopping bags in our car, carry them to shops, and categorically refuse vendors' generous offers of numerous plastic bags or even paper bags, unless I really need to separate dirty potatoes from other vegetables. I have stopped shopping at the supermarket that individually wraps fruits and vegetables in cling wrap and throws plastic around like its dust. hubby still doesn't cooperate with my efforts on any of this.

second, most Indian households consider it 'clean' to throw out garbage every day, but it is completely unnecessary - we use large bins and throw out our garbage bags only when they are full, our habit uses considerably fewer plastic garbage bags and therefore releases less plastic waste. most people here screw their noses when they learn we don't empty out every day. this just reveals cultural ideas of what's clean and not (the same people have a daily system of their maids mopping the floors of their houses with a dirty rag that often doesn't dry after use and is never washed or cleaned beyond the little scrubs it is given by dirty hands in dirty water). even in the worst of delhi summer, our garbage rarely stinks. yeah, sometimes if its hot, we might tie out any meat waste separately and throw out earlier than the rest of the bag.

thirdly, and the point of this post, I've been worried by the amount of menstrual waste I create, and I am just one of many women on this planet. I started exploring options, cos there's also too much plastic in my pads. I found many things. the alternatives are - tampons (both organic and normal ones), organic and decompose-able pads, menstrual cups made of silicone, reusable cloth like mom did, and also surprisingly some new brands of absorbent panties that claim to lock the blood in and can be washed and reused. regardless of what excuse I come up with, I cannot bring myself to use reusable cloth or underwear. the thought itself is too much work on my part; as if managing periods in an environmentally reckless way itself is not hard enough. menstrual cups sound the least wasteful, but I find myself incapable of being able to insert it, even without trying (trust me, I know). so I tried tampons after researching them a bit. and that's why I came across TSS (toxic shock syndrome) even before I had ever used a tampon; most women who use them are oblivious to this possibility. true, that the risk of it sounds more like a Poisson possibility, especially if you follow instructions of hygiene and avoid super absorbent tampons. but then this morning I heard a woman narrate her experience of TSS when she was a 24-yr old athlete and lost her legs to the episode. now I am only human and I get scared too. and to give myself credit, I did try tampons this period after learning of TSS, and in fact, decided on alternating between them and pads (even before I heard this BBC story mentioned above) because I did not find them too comfortable - there's even some pain when it gets heavy with blood, and on my first two days that can happen in a couple of hours. don't think I'll be using them anymore. so I am left without making a change so far, and with the sole possibility of moving to environmentally friendlier sanitary pads - but won't demand for more organic cotton use up more important water than if we mixed some plastic in?? that is a question I will mull over for some time.

but talking about periods. there's this recent Netflix movie 'Soni' that is really worth a watch for its realistic portrayal of women's daily trials in this country. however, I remember strongly disagreeing with a particular scene in it, and the idea behind the scene that I felt perpetuated the shame and stigma forced upon women when they are 'down' with periods, especially if the blood leaks and their situation is revealed. instead of advising her niece to be unashamed of a bodily routine that women all over the world go through, and that is the very source of the ability to bear life, the character in the movie advises to track down the student(s) who played a dirty joke on her that highlighted the fact that she was on her period and was having a heavy flow, and demand they be punished. really? shouldn't we rather free women of the burden of shame that has been imposed upon us with regard to periods? if it leaks, so be it; I deal with mopping the blood every month for days, and you just had to see it this once and maybe some furniture needs to be cleaned up after it, you should just be thankful we bleed for the possible continuation of humanity. if you know I'm on my period, more information to you. and if I'm on my period, its just proof that I'm healthy.

when I read about a topic, I do get a lil obsessed by it and even unwittingly sometimes, related stories come my way. I read about a young woman who bled freely and ran a marathon : https://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/q-and-a/a44392/free-bleeding-marathoner-kiran-gandhi/ . and that BBC story this morning: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/w3cswlmt . and in NPR today again, a mention of this: https://www.wfae.org/post/new-book-busts-myths-about-menstruation-spread-public-health-groups#stream/0 . referring to the last link, it is true that in the western world (or in the privileged consciousness) new for-profit firms are refurbishing old ideas like reusable cloths and underwear and selling them as sustainable period waste alternatives, while other firms (or maybe the same ones) are using non-profit organizations to change habits and sell their single use sanitary pads and tampons to women who are used to home-made reusable cloth!

by the way, facebook is earning shit ton loads of money because of all those ads I keep seeing on it. another reason to write more here rather than discuss ideas and developments on that network with disinterested people. at least here I know that viewership self selects interest too, even if both are extremely thin.

if not earlier, I'll be back next month, when I'll be bleeding buckets again. it does get creative juices flowing as well, allegedly.

last year, a lil later this month, K's grandma died. I had spent some afternoons n late evenings with her while she watched TV and i sat on her bed next to her with my computer, reading or working. sometimes we also talked, although in her last year that was increasingly becoming difficult to do as we more than often failed to understand what she was saying ; talking had evolved into her writing in her notebook and me trying to decipher her words, often scrawled on top of previously written conversation. it was the same disease that Hawking had, but Badi did not have the same technology as him. whenever i guessed correctly what she was trying to say she would smile or her eyes would do that for her, and when i failed to understand she would scowl and get mad. that was the only expectation she had from me, or anyone else those days, and i failed her often, but neither of us gave up. you cannot when there isn't an alternative.

since her death, i have come upon some of her things. i was given a small silver box of hers that i now keep some earrings in. and i was offered to take whatever of her things i wanted. i took a nightshirt i had gifted her some yrs back on a birthday. i had shipped it to her from the US. a pink one with blue figures of Indian cricketers on it. it had been world cup season i think and she was always a big fan, giving greater importance to watching entire matches than to her meals, which had become an ordeal for her to swallow. i also took a yellow soft toy turtle that i had gifted her quite some years back, a small one from Anokhi made from Indian hand dyed fabric. it now lives on our yellow sofa, camouflaging and blending in pretty well. and yday i found yet another gift i had given her on yet another birthday. we were each peeking into her books cupboard last evening wondering if we wanted any. she used to be possessive about her things apparently, according to her daughter in law. i spotted this book and immeidately wanted it back now that she is no more. i wonder if she ever read it. there are some gifts you give to people that you want them to have because they appeal to you, even though you have no idea if they will appeal to them in the same way. in fact, because you don't know what will appeal to them, you often judge by your own liking. and now these things are so much more valuable because for a while she owned them.