last year, a lil later this month, K's grandma died. I had spent some afternoons n late evenings with her while she watched TV and i sat on her bed next to her with my computer, reading or working. sometimes we also talked, although in her last year that was increasingly becoming difficult to do as we more than often failed to understand what she was saying ; talking had evolved into her writing in her notebook and me trying to decipher her words, often scrawled on top of previously written conversation. it was the same disease that Hawking had, but Badi did not have the same technology as him. whenever i guessed correctly what she was trying to say she would smile or her eyes would do that for her, and when i failed to understand she would scowl and get mad. that was the only expectation she had from me, or anyone else those days, and i failed her often, but neither of us gave up. you cannot when there isn't an alternative.

since her death, i have come upon some of her things. i was given a small silver box of hers that i now keep some earrings in. and i was offered to take whatever of her things i wanted. i took a nightshirt i had gifted her some yrs back on a birthday. i had shipped it to her from the US. a pink one with blue figures of Indian cricketers on it. it had been world cup season i think and she was always a big fan, giving greater importance to watching entire matches than to her meals, which had become an ordeal for her to swallow. i also took a yellow soft toy turtle that i had gifted her quite some years back, a small one from Anokhi made from Indian hand dyed fabric. it now lives on our yellow sofa, camouflaging and blending in pretty well. and yday i found yet another gift i had given her on yet another birthday. we were each peeking into her books cupboard last evening wondering if we wanted any. she used to be possessive about her things apparently, according to her daughter in law. i spotted this book and immeidately wanted it back now that she is no more. i wonder if she ever read it. there are some gifts you give to people that you want them to have because they appeal to you, even though you have no idea if they will appeal to them in the same way. in fact, because you don't know what will appeal to them, you often judge by your own liking. and now these things are so much more valuable because for a while she owned them.