there are many names for God. but I like to think of it as probability. there are also many words for that - call it luck, chance, odds. God is probability. also people have a hard time understanding probability. It can work in your favor despite the low prior sometimes, and sometimes it could go against you despite its prior assurance of being on your side. sometimes the former coincides with your prayers, giving you the perception of them having been answered; in the latter case you feel abandoned and cheated or worse punished. 

been almost a year I've been jobhunting. I started my first application sometime in end of July 2019, but really I started out much earlier because around now last year I sent my job market paper to my erstwhile advisor and asked him if he would still write a letter of recommendation for me. he took about a month to read it and write back etc. etc. And then I needed two more ppl like him. In a way I'd been ashamed to ask my professors from 4 yrs ago (last year) to write letters for me, still, for an entry level academic job. but they are all I had, cos I wasn't going to ask my last boss for a letter, not after all that had happened at that place. 

and here I am, still jobless, now wondering if I will have letter writers for another season of the market. 

funny world academia, you could spend a lifetime hopping from one entry level job to another, and if you're lucky you will not land one that will further cripple you from moving to better jobs by sucking all your time. there are some jobs I interviewed for 5 years ago where they wanted me to give up research and simply teach. is that why I did a PhD???! do those ppl forget what it takes, what it involves, both in terms of time effort perseverance, and loans of money, in my case possibly forgiven by now but not forgotten by me (and years of your best alternative salaries being given up). aaahhh. sunk cost! move on. 

but I can't. my savings lasted for about two years and a lil more, and now I'm living on borrowed money from k. I still can't believe these are the choices I made in my life. but I still can't make a U-turn. I am not even asking for a recouping of the financial costs, just compensation for research that I have continued to do, and want to do till I tire of it. huh. who am I fooling, the fables of Harvard grads and young academics with godfathers can fir bhi sell, who's going to buy mine, unless I sell it off with author rights; maybe the buyer will succeed at publishing my work better than I ever seem to.

I'm finally understanding the mechanics of water colors. and learning how to add color and and some life to my sketches. probably overdid that here, like the one with color only in ficus the best.

in other news

a cousin's wife has got covid19 in Bombay. they have a 2-yr old kid, I'm worried how they will care for her. hope they don't all get it. she hasn't yet been tested, but doc on phone said it looks like it. I'm also worried that she's having some breathlessness and her O2 levels have not been checked yet. they've been advised to get a meter. cousin's mom has chronic anxiety issues, so we are refraining from calling and expressing our worries. 

I am reading about schizophrenia, and I can barely put the book down. and because I mostly read before sleeping, this means I'm not sleeping much these days.

so this morning I had to unwrap the pencils k had gifted to me last year. and I had to sketch. this ficus has lived with us a couple years now, time enough for me to know it's needs and for it to get used to our environment. 

summer

our first summer back here was like roasting in hell. it was intolerably hot, our tummies kept giving up on us and we ate rice, potatoes and bananas each time it happened. and lizards poured into our home, themselves looking for shelter from the burning outdoors, from cracks between windows and walls, from gaps under the doors, and most of all from the badly filled-up electric-wire cavity for our split-AC. upto 3-4-5 baby ones would crawl in from above the AC in a day. the mother had probably laid eggs in that cavity after getting in from the other side of the wall. 

we formulated a tiring routine of scaring, trailing, and trapping each lizard with mop-rods Colin spray, and an upturned plastic bowl (washed and saved up from some home delivered food I think) on the hapless creature. then we would slide a piece of thick packaging paper or card under it, and holding that system tight I would rush out while he held the door to throw the living thing back outdoors. once I think it was inert with all that spraying on it by the time I threw it, but mostly it scurried away. I am terrified of lizards, but I rather than he would inevitably do that last part; because for me the thought of it remaining at home was more scary.

that summer and probably most of that year, we then spent sealing our windows, door gaps, in fact his first idea was to tape around the split-AC and seal the gaps there; that last actually worked, we got our AC guys to do it, that cleared us of lizards 90 percent. 

the next summer was mostly just very hot. and I swam again for a month, both years, just for a month cos I couldn't afford to spend all my savings (while unemployed) on more swimming. I felt, both those years in the peaks of those summers, like I'd die of the heat if I didn't swim. soon as I'd stop swimming I'd get diarrhoea from the heat. also both summers we got away for a bit, the first one a lil too late around June end and last year earlier in the beginning of that month (he got away a second time last summer).

but last summer was an improvement over the year before, with lots of intermittent showers. and this year is even better maybe thanks to the virus and reduced pollution, who knows. each of the previous summers I have thought I couldn't take one more, but it keeps getting easier, is it me or the weather itself? it's already mid-May and my tummy is still strong, without the swimming this year. I can sleep early mornings on the polyester sofa to escape sounds from the bathroom. I'm not dying and I'm even using less AC. 

it feels like someone is trying to prove to me how hyperbolic I was being in what I could tolerate and how long I'd be around. I had come thinking, max one year or maybe two. no more. and I'm still around and it's getting easier. now more than ever this fortified home of ours feels invaluable, where no one is coming and we have no where else to go from. 

for most of my adult life I've slept alone in a bed. so whenever I live with hubby I have sleep issues, he sleeps earlier than me, usually as soon as his head touches his pillow, while I pillowless, have to read to travel to another world before I feel drowsy. and then he wakes up before me. I now sleep with cotton in my ears and an eye mask, but even then his movements both in his sleep and his wakings interrupt my very flimsy slumber. 

last night he woke up for a leak, and therefore so did I to make the best of a disturbance. he goes to the toilet within the bedroom and I to the one just outside. I was struck by the light streaming in our living room windows, the place looked like a stage flooded with white light. I peered out the window, I knew the moon had been waxing the last few days. and there it was, a grown full rounded ball of warmth. complete with the halo around it. I smiled at it. now it would begin to wane and so would my creativity with it. 

the moon is like an old friend I've taken for granted. this year though, with this pandemic upending everything in human life, the full moon feels even more magical. since I've hit my 30s, how often have I stared and smiled at it thus. but now I can imagine a day when there'd be no moon. I can imagine the end of everything as we know, just because so much has changed. 

In the last two days, in bits over meals, k and I watched Lunchbox; him for the first time, me revisiting. I'd been irritated and impatient with the movie the first time I saw it, annoyed at Bollywood for juicing romance out of every meaningful human interaction. But this time I realised how sensitive, how real, each dialogue, each written and spoken word, each look and pause, and everything unsaid, was in this movie. the scene in which her mother tells her that she's simply hungry now, just after her father has passed away, that after months of worrying about being left alive without him and of taking care of his wasting body, all she desires is some parathas because she's hungry; that broke me down. I wept thinking of all the women my mom's generation, in India at least (maybe elsewhere too), who lived like an appendage to their spouses, who couldn't imagine outliving them, living without them (for what?), who lived their lives without any ownership over them. since my Mausa's death, I've seen my Mausi slowly become her own person.

I've been video chatting with mom and lil sis, together, every evening now. since that day when lil sis wasn't well and we all thought it was covid and because she lives alone we were debating how best to take care of her. today sis told us one of her seniors at work in Hyderabad had a sudden stroke and possible brain haemorrhage after a bout of working out, and is hospitalised since then, unconscious. we got talking about age, and health, life and death, covid and cancer, Irrfan Khan and this hospitalized guy, about responsibility of oncoming disease and of chance and luck. we are each a flimsy thread in a flimsy world, at the mercy of chance, but also with choices, and senses through which we feel all of this. The glowing moon, the starry gulmohar, strange birds now regular visitors. A kiss. all so flimsy but in that moment, so all encompassing, almost overwhelming. 

my blog is now a teenager!

I used to have so much poetry in me those years, 

those years when I wrote compulsively,

those years when I day dreamed, 

when I was not disillusioned, yet.

Then when I was yet to put in all,

yet to be tested.

When others' successes were not so judged by me,

when I didn't yet feel wronged by the world.

Age, wisdom, failures, lost opportunity

and a continuous struggle to stay afloat.

Life. don't know why they consider it a gift.

But without life there'd be no beauty to appreciate,

no poems and words to linger on

no Eureka moments, no serendipity of finding human connections

no fight against the tugs of attraction

no sweet pains, no warm caresses

and no memory

no exhilaration of waiting, even if in vain.

No problems to tackle, awake and in dreams,

no pleasurable pain, no joyful sweat.

no dancing or running or swimming,

no gasping for breath to keep it going.

stew

made some yummy chicken-vegetables stew y'day, inspired by Chef John's (of Food wishes fame) video the night before. He had used sausages and white (forgot name) beans, but in lockdown (actually those are hard to find in India even without lockdown), had to improvise with available ingredients. so in went chicken kebabs from Greenchick, with diced onions, squashed garlic pods, and a bay leaf or two, in olive oil. Followed with cubed beetroots and potatoes (with skin) and tomatoes. Oh yeah a squirting of fish sauce (my secret these days in many things), and an ounce of triple sec (in lieu of wine). Also some coconut milk. Salt pepper of course, and some chili flakes. Let cook, ingredients sharing their sauces and caramelising the bottom of the pot. Scrape every time u stir, esp when u add moisture of any kind. 

After almost everything was partly cooked, more coconut milk (not a lot) and lots of water. Simmer, simmer, simmer. Maybe salt too. 

Eat whenever the beetroot and potatoes are soft. With bread, but better with some crisp malabari parathas, dipped or soaked in it just before plopping in mouth. (We get frozen parathas from Green chick; at the beginning of lockdown were hard to find but now abundantly available). 

I usually don't do recipes, cos I hate being instructed. Actually more like I'm incapable of it. Here too this was more from memory of Chef John's video than from instructions. But whenever something comes out delicious, k asks me to document it's recipe cos I never exactly replicate the same dish (again incapable). Therefore this, as well as I could remember. 

The last time I made stew was when mom dad visited in Texas and k was also visiting. was winter, I made pork stew, with carrots, potatoes (I think) etc. Slow cooked for hours after part frying the pork chunks. Realised sausages or pre-made kebabs (also mince-balls) are much easier, barely any risk of the meat being under or over done. can listen to the heartbeat of the root vegs then and do them better justice. 

Lockdown has now lasted so long, we have forgotten what we are hiding from. Sheltering at home is becoming a habit now, as stepping out is becoming harder work day by day: wear ur mask, resist touching it even if ur nose is itching, walk to the closest store when it's hottest in the day so it's not as crowded; or drive the dirty car that hasn't been cleaned in days just to keep its tires from giving up, use the wipers and that secret stored liquid to barely clean the windshield so you can see and not kill someone, when you step out make sure you sanitize hands after every human touch, and limit that to echanging food/grocery and money, maybe explain to the cop who is stopping you why you are out, through your mask, annoyed at being stopped cos life outdoors is a pain anyway now, and more after a car with masked kids and adults overtakes you and then wants to swerve to cut you; all this when both cars are in the wrong lane anyway cos the right one is barricaded by the same cops. And then come home, wipe wash what you can of the food or grocery, sanitize ur purse, wash ur hands, ask hubby to take the eggs out of their case which you hold (cos it might be infected) while he puts them in the fridge. Wash ur hands again, they are now dehydrated and the skin is peeling off. Moisturise. 

And then maybe later when ur at peace, feel guilty about it cos u've just seen yet another statistic, read another article of the dying people, the sick people, and worse the hungry and the poor who have no jobs and no food and are walking with sacks of PDS ration night and day just to GO HOME, in trying to keep you out of infection's way.

And last night it thundered like it was the end of the world. And you kept sneezing and didn't sleep; and now the wind roars like it wants to destroy all (evil). But it's also gulmohar season, those flames of beauty at every other corner, one in front of ur home and one reflecting in the balcony window behind, bunches of sindoor amidst green, misplaced amongst their washing machine, mop cloths and sticks and myriad buckets and cans of paint (probably empty and recycled). Are you sleeping or awake, are you dead or alive? Will whatever this is, go on, or end?!

So much for this year's promise of bringing answers, it might just bring too many unwanted ones. He is reading Wuhan diaries of lockdown, a daily blog, and that reminded me of mine. Been wanting to get here for sometime now but was cooking too much cos he is at home and eats a lot, so we are both cooking quite a bit. Plus I was waiting for my period, imagine pms added to lockdown. Last night it suddenly struck me that I might be pregnant (every other period that's delayed gets me like this) and that given the lockdown I might have 'no choice' but to have the baby. No job, no income, the thought of a baby seems like complete surrender to nature at this point, sort of what I had predicted might be my only reason to some day become a mother. So I thought maybe that day had come. Was I ready? But it's not such a big question either, cos I've also been asking myself if I'm ready to die. If it came to it. To which my answer usually comes - how am I useful in this world anyway, struggling in my vanity to prove to the world that I can publish scientific works (btw one has been accepted now), that no one might even read. Shudnt this be a test of how useful everyone is, am I helping save lives now? Are you helping feed people now? Are you needed?

Earlier today while doing the dishes after dinner, together, I told him even if we die, or one of us does, wouldn't it be at least nice that we reached this level in our marriage, this level of understanding (to tolerate each other 24 hrs day after day without loathing each other, without fighting even) and that the quarantine lockdown led us here. Story for another blog post, of what remains in my memory of the first few days of continuous bickering and then a sudden cracking open of this golden harmony beneath it's surface.

for many years now, since I laid my hands on literature from the world beyond India and the older writings of its colonizer, I have complained that there is rarely an Indian writer worth recommending. those who were born here also needed to cover miles and settle abroad, swap their citizenship, to write as if they cared. probably Manu Joseph is the only one (I used to say) who remains here and is worth reading. of course my judgement is limited to Indian writing in English, I am incapable of reading other languages and haven't chanced upon many translations, although I have gifted Perumal Murugan to someone else, influenced by compelling reviews and the plan that I would borrow the gift back after the person was done reading.

it was also unusual that I would read any of K's cricket-writer recommendations, given I live in a world that could very well never have played the game. however, this guy wrote a book about Guyana and about the biharis who had been taken there so long ago as indentured labor and how they had assimilated and resisted assimilation to become the people they are today. and K kept repeating lil stories from the book. it was inevitable that I would pick it up as soon as he finished it.

the writing blows my mind. and the stories do too. also the openness of the narrator, who seems heavily based on the author himself, traveling to Guyana to live there for a year in order to escape his own country, India. even if the writing weren't so goddamn precious, his sentiments reflect my own in many ways, the escapism, and rejection of one's country, the need to find oneself as separated from it. but I would never have mingled the way the author did with the place and its people, I would never have given up my comforts to sleep in a hammock in mosquito-ridden jungles with almost-strangers who I would never have trusted. despite my liberal attitude, at heart I am easily disgusted and self-protective, often at the cost of others. but that's why The Sly Company Of People Who Care is written by Rahul Bhattacharya and not me. although I did look up almost every song mentioned in the book on youtube, and referred to wikipedia and google to understand local concepts, fruit, foods, slur words, towns and their geographical constraints; I am very much a living-room adventurer that way, especially when faced with grubby adventure prospects.

but the writing is precious (not just in this book, but also his journalistic pieces). like this for example:

"Her ambition was different from mine, not the flimsy ambition of journeys but of destinations. In five years I wasn't sure if I would be anywhere, but she probably would. She was formidable. She knew childbirth. If we were in battle I suspected I would lose.

She was prepared to tackle the world because the world to her was not absurd. To think the world absurd is a privilege. Those who do so consider themselves enlightened. In fact, it only means their struggles are shallow. Sooner or later the real world will rain down upon them. That, or we shall go slowly mad, or seek recourse in meditation, narcotics, writing."


!!!

as one ambitious of my journeys, as one wont to sometimes think the world absurd, as one also sometimes to acknowledge and self-criticize my privilege (that I am afraid I couldn't bear to live without), these words feel like those I would want to write but could never have written.

P.S. hope to spend more time on this old and familiar part of me, now that I am forcing myself the lesson that people do not need to see every cool image I witnessed and bothered to click; although I do still use facebook on a browser and still cannot stop sharing cool writings and movies and my ideologies, epiphanies, and unwanted advice on it.

I found this quote by Zora Neale Hurston in a beautifully written book (The Yellow House) that I am reading:
"There are years that ask questions, and years that answer."

the last two years for me have melted away, often confused with each other, in a sticky blur. I kept rephrasing to myself what I was doing, as I slowly got more insight into what I wanted to do and what it felt like I was able to do. this year felt, even before it started, like it would finally bring some answers.

the year that began the questioning, however, was 2017. a year in which a lot happened - now in hindsight - without the impact of all that was happening finding its way into realization. we traveled together, I traveled alone pushing limits, I lost my job and realized I couldn't have received happier news, he finally quit his job he complained nearly daily about and found another where he's been happier, and of course we moved - a BIG move.

looking back, 2018 and 2019 have been more about finding myself in ways beyond those that I hoped it ever would. I tried other things, while growing surer of what I was doing, I grew up (the only texts on my tshirts now are brand names, and my wardrobe owns fewer tshirts now; these are just visible examples), I learned how to swim, I got to spend time with a grandmother before she left us, I also got to spend time with my sister while she was in bed after a torn ACL and reconstruction surgery, and I got to spend some time with my mom. I have also realized that I don't care how people I don't enjoy spending time with me think about me, and in these years for the very first time I started to have the courage to ignore or keep out unwanted people. I am now daily trying to replicate that wisdom, and the list of people grows as I move down my 'don't enjoy spending time with'-index. as a result, probably 2-3 weeks ago now, I uninstalled instagram and whatsapp from my phone. yes, there are conveniences lost, the biggest being free international calls and messages. but the very fact of free communication makes whatsapp a nuisance because people write and send much more than they would if there were a price to it. they begin to confuse between their free use of it, and their free use of my time. I have also stopped calling or visiting my mom-in-law unless there's an occasion, there's only so much bullshit I can tolerate or pointlessly argue against.

hardly anyone in these last two years understood me. he did though, and even defended me against 'well-intentioned' friends. a lot of people assumed a lot of reasons, and gave me a lot of unwanted advice that was counterproductive. while others got married, had kids, and withdrew into their ever-tired lives. some others became over-zealous in their religion/politics/nationality and thus became unpleasant company.

but still, we learned that we can go for walks 10 minutes away from home and sight foxes and neelgais. that between my classical indian and his rock/metal taste for music, we can meet at beautifully sung spanish folk songs accompanied by guitars. that I can shield him from stray dogs and he can me from lizards. that we can dance together although we are both horrible dancers. that coming back home and living a constrained life has made us a lil more humble, although we will always be snobs (that's what binds us together). and that we have learned to divide home chores more effectively according to our specialities and least cost/aversion natural allocation. and that we can order warm croissants on food delivery apps and wait as we shower together and then sit down over beetroot and carrot steaks home-cooked in coconut milk, broccoli made greener by stir-frying in olive oil, and the yummy 'desi' palak (I know not what its called in English; btw there's a great variety of fresh edible green leaves in Indian vegetable markets, especially those that are held weekly in neighborhoods) with red onions, also in olive oil, with warm croissants, for a weekend lunch. every relationship, every job, every hobby, is a means to understand life and our purpose in it, a lil better.

last year I really had to go to amreeka, if only for a fake shaking off of the feeling that was almost gripping me then, that feeling of being trapped in India. and so we did, filling ourselves up with the experiences, the tastes, the freedoms, and literally deep breaths of fresh air and strangers' smiles, that we missed in Delhi. we rented a cool car and drove on isolated, out of this world landscapes in Utah, for a week. drove mind you on byways where drivers do not cross over bold lines on the streets, do not suddenly swerve at you in order to get ahead of you a few feet because those are the few thrills in their sad lives. we hiked up hills on the west coast, clean hills, and walked streets without the fear of stepping into trash or shit or being shoved aside by unwitting members of an always alive mob that swarms around everywhere in India. and on my way back I spent another almost week walking around alone in Manhattan.

all that was expensive, especially for someone unemployed.

this year, I'm still trying to explain to myself why, I didn't feel like I had to all that again.

just like living far away from my country for years taught me many lessons I didn't know I lacked, coming back after being away is teaching me many others.

hubby is there and telling me every day of what he is doing. I've been to many of the places he is revisiting. but strangely I'm not experiencing fomo (the fear of missing out) that I would have expected to. instead my thoughts are more like, "how cute that life is, how protected and therefore focused on little details of where to dine today"; whereas here often those decisions are made easier for us by bigger concerns of what day and time of the week it is, what is the expected 'traffic-time' and therefore cost of getting to and back, what time of the night will it be and will someone have to sleep over just to avoid a risky late night commute, etc. etc.

as a result we have become regulars at the few cute places around our home in delhi. where bartenders recognize us and remind us not to repeat our mis-orders. where they smile at us to welcome us back, and have seen us in different moods, in arguments, laughing, even silently crying.

I never understood dancing when I was younger. yes my body didn't quite catch rythms as well too, but I also didn't understand the urge to dance or the need for it or the point of it really. although k used to quite a bit, alone in his room, with music that sounded mostly noise to me. at some rare instances, when we lived together in amreeka we started dancing together, at home, in our pyjamas, and I recorded some of these moments on my phone they were that rare and special. it is true that amreeka opened me up, especially physically; made me less conscious. but having become older, more open, and also more confident, the experience back home now is different; also to give credit to the city and people and public spaces here, they are more welcoming now. its also probably the very idea of the place being more closed than myself, that makes me even more comfortable. what I mean is this, I started swimming here (learning how to) after years of deliberation and one-day dips in the pools there that I found very intimidating, only because here I was physically more open than the women I saw at pools. I was now comfortable wearing my swimsuit, I was comfortable with my dark underarms, I was more accepting of my stretch marks, I even started wearing the bikinis that I had stowed away in the back of my closet for years. it might seem beside the point, but these are important factors when you suddenly find yourself beside a pool full of strangers and you don't even know how to float. these factors in fact help you leave your body to the mercy of the water and learn to float in five flat minutes.

and finally now I've started moving to the music here. one of our fav places nearby has some space in the middle of the building where they sometimes (fris and sats, evenings) set up a live band. one evening we found ourselves there much later than we usually visit. it was a good band. and if you've spent enough time in delhi, I needn't tell you that bands here often play bollywood songs mishmashed with rock songs from around the world, especially to show you the stolen tunes. its fun. some people slowly started moving and dancing. we did too. and then more and more. and faster and faster. dancing with strangers, when you at least have a partner you know well, is not just about dancing. its about sharing public spaces, its about making way for each other, its about looking out for each other, its about smiling at each other and acknowledging the shared moment and the joy of it, its about doing all of this without touching each other, about respecting the space that each body occupies, regardless of its gender or age, and of course thanks to everyone doing this, its about freedom of expression without the fear of judgement, ridicule, or unwanted touch and harassment.

Delhi is growing up, India is growing up, and I have many things to learn from it and to teach it.

even if on other days we apprehend a guy looking up women's skirts on an escalator at a mall, or find ourselves in an ugly argument with our neighbors who presume that they own parking spaces and also own the right to park behind cars and block their free passage.

I also recently walked for more than an hour around midnight in vasant kunj with a group of other women who shared the urgent need for us to do this simply to make a statement that women can do this and should be able to do this, without it being an assessment of their character. years ago I used to argue with women who'd say that they couldn't use the metro alone after dark, I used to argue with them to help them see that their view was simply the other side of the implicit argument that the women who do venture out late and alone are comfortable being out late only because they are of suspicious character. we were simply stuck in a bad equilibrium where no individual woman had the incentive to deviate. we are now doing so in large numbers, all together, such that the equilibrium is shifting.

cheers and salud!

my online avatar (often using data without my consent) for online ad targeting is very blurry. the only thing it is sure of being is a female. it thinks it is heterosexual, but that's only because it does so without thinking about it; it has never questioned it. it thinks it is a mother, or at least a trying to be mother. it thinks it is getting wrinkles. it thinks it has body image issues (which female doesn't), but also thinks itself plus-sized! and that's probably cos it keeps eavesdropping on store-conversations with the words "you don't have my size"!! it cannot even begin to formulate an answer to what its occupation is or is not or whether it is a student or a work-from-home scammer. it thinks its been to places that in fact it's parents have just visited. the only other thing it is beginning to guess correctly is that it is penny-wise and dollar-foolish.

when I was a young teen, I have no idea why the world thought I was very maternal, or rather, some of them told me that I would make a great mother. (later when I lived with some friends and was the only one who monitored and was after others' lives to keep the place clean, they nicknamed me 'mom' too, for very different reasons.) then, even I thought I wanted to be one someday soon. but then I didn't know yet, that those thoughts of mine weren't quite mine, they had been bequeathed to me. now, since I started to have my own thoughts (or so I think till some future me will refute this) I have always wondered why in the age of contraception do people have kids. let me rephrase: why does everyone have kids in the age of contraception? or almost everyone. the power to not have kids puts a huge responsibility on the choice to have them.

so I asked around and seemed like there were two reasons that seemed to resonate with most people. 1. kids were supposed to be fun, and great company, at least when they were babies and lil human beings dependent on parents. "joy" was the word many used. "the greatest joy in the world"; from those who hadn't seen much in the world anyway. or "I wanted someone I could call my own". love, loyalty, companionship. the need to feel needed (wanted). 2. "clock-ticking away" yes, that exact phrase. just because the choice to have a kid may no longer be available, it has to be done now. before it is too late. sort of like a prescient version of the 'you miss what you have lost'. at the base of both these reasons, somewhere deep down is also the (sometimes) unconscious desire to leave a biological part of yourself in this world that will survive past your own demise.

either way, I found both these reasons too selfish to exercise the power to create a new life - for my own satisfaction (joy or eternity) - and leave it to the mercy of this world. there is also the third reason - that which taught me to want to be a mother when I was barely a teenager - society; but let's give that its worth and ignore it here.

I therefore determined not to create lives till I could find my own reason - something not selfish - to do so. I believe I have found my reason at last.

the only real reason is to forget oneself, because 'I' am anyway an illusion that my brain creates for efficiency. in reality I am not a separate being, I am not in control, I do not really choose. that is, the only reason to make a baby is not to really make one but to give up controlling not to make one. to let things be, and to give in to what may happen and how it might change 'me'. is it true that the early years of caring for a newborn changes a human brain in ways that are similar to an infant human brain's growth in complexity?

but that doesn't mean I am ready now. far from it. I might have found my reason, but I'm still not willing to give in, I still cling to the illusion of control. I do, however, want to read some serious neuroscience, and maybe child psychology.

india is waking up (finally) to good-ish bread. bakeries actually bake now, rather than heap layers of cream and icing on generic sponge base. I have finally - after more than a year of trial and error and bayesian updating - found a source of daily bread that is not priced to somehow mimic import costs. most of last year I flitted between rare self treats of expensive sourdough loaves from L'opera outlets in VK malls and tastes-like-sand (and lacks character) factory made (i refuse to call that 'baked') bread from popular brands. despite the trashy quality these brands are oligopolies in this market. but slowly a renaissance is occurring. erstwhile cake shops are selling daily baked bread. my preferred one is Angels in the Kitchen. plain simple bread baked with flour, multigrains, salt, sugar, water, yeast, and sometimes some nuts and raisins. breakfast is a delight again. lathered with 5-seconds warmed butter in the microwave that smoothens and melts over the slices of bread, and is therefore re-lathered so it shows after absorbing in. dairy-fat on simple bread: that's my wake-up caffeine.

and by the way, sourdough is not supposed to be fancy and expensive, because it is not some special kind of bread but the oldest simplest method of turning wheat into easy to digest food with some shelf-life.

coming back to breakfast though, the perfect one cannot end there with buttered toast. is followed by a fistful of mixed nuts and raisins (and/or dried berries) with cold yogurt. yogurt is one thing you can count on anywhere in this country. thick lumpy fresh yogurt without the heaviness and creaminess of greek yogurt. but the mixed nuts must include some salted roasted cashews, without which nuts are boring. now I have had multiple conversations with people in india trying to rid them of their misconceived bias against cashews, without any success. someone has whispered into ears in this country, especially that of middle aged or retired parents - who anyway wear the mantle of authority on public knowledge - that cashews make you fat and are bad for your cholesterol levels. my personal dig into this claim has revealed it to be not just false but harmful, in that cashews are actually good for our cholesterol levels, and (just like most other nuts) release energy slowly such that they in fact reduce hunger pangs and snacking, and therefore possibly helping control overeating and obesity issues. but they won't listen to reason or scientific evidence. good for me though, I usually end up receiving a somewhat regular supply of roasted salted cashews from either set of parents in them trying to keep those gifts out of sight and out of their mouths.

and yeah, have you seen cashew shells? or probably they were a second layer of casings that cashews wear when in their natural habitat inside their shells. you can eat this layer in fact with the nut, and it gives a slight bitter tinge that kinda complements the cashew's plain-ish taste for which I eat it. thinking about it, it somewhat resembles the plain-ish-lack-of-taste kinda taste of avocados and also coconuts.

Joan Didion used to have (maybe still does) fridge-cold coca-cola and nuts (that her mom regularly sent her) for breakfast. maybe we should exchange notes.

I wonder if Joan Didion is working on something these days, if there will be another book. and I am somewhat ashamed that it took me a Netflix documentary to finally read her. Her words are so apt, so carefully chosen, so brilliantly expressive. and i donno why i felt like she is superhuman, that image of her receiving the honor from Obama and simply thanking him and walking away without one look at the crowd, walking that frail body of hers and only reaching out for that one arm of support. a tiny woman. but so big.

i want to write like her, not literally, because i dont think i could. but like her. write because without it i wouldn't be alive. because writing is a compulsion, to understand myself, to converse with myself. write because i must.

although my writing (if I will ever be able to call it that) might also be on very different subjects than hers. I'm still waiting to publish my first paper in some journal. after more than I can count or remember rejections. after the core point of the paper has changed because of the many rejections, after it got rejected many times since then. I've always known i was stubborn and i also knew it would serve me well in some way. i still dont know whether this time will be the one i've waited for or i'll wake up another morning to another "we are sorry" email. i'll cry again, angry tears. tears of hopelessness of failure of rejection. i will ignore the comments for a couple of days, still angry, still dejected. but then some fine day i will get back to it. send it to another journal or rewrite it once again with or without changing much. its funny how this one paper is still alive in me. I have almost thrown away the other two of my dissertation, one because a reviewer pointed out another paper by other authors (a working paper then; published now) that did something very similar to what i thought i was the first to do; and the other because i felt it was full of holes that couldn't be plugged. i might still pick up the latter some day and try and do a brief on it. maybe after the one i am working on now can somewhat claim to be finished.

why is it that i have never yet written about all this? is it because i doubted this to be just a phase? that i was waiting to quit one day, to finally realize that this was beyond me? i still live with that doubt though. despite it, despite being unemployed, i still work however. because i must. even though this might all be worthless crap. but till i know that : i can still dream that this is the first comprehensive analysis of the topic. that it will start a small literature; or at the very least help someone else find a clue to their answers.

the paper i am waiting to get back from the journal though - i realized a few weeks ago - has a major typo, in three different places. the same wrong word which means exactly the opposite of what it should have said. i must have been tired when i wrote it out, or simply confused as i often get - if an increase in A causes a decrease in B I can often state the opposite and get lost in my words - even though I know, even though I was the one to find it out. ah well. just hope they understand it is a typo. and if they have to reject it, how does it matter what reason they give.

coming back to Joan; her words on the flower power movement in Haight Ashbury in the 60s:

"We were seeing the desperate attempt of a handful of pathetically unequipped children to create a community in a social vacuum. Once we had seen these children, we could no longer overlook the vacuum, no longer pretend that the society's atomization could be reversed. This was not a traditional generational rebellion. At some point between 1945 and 1967 we had somehow neglected to tell these children the rules of the game we happened to be playing. Maybe we had stopped believing in the rules ourselves, maybe we were having a failure of nerves about the game. Maybe there were just too few people around to do the telling.

...

They are less in rebellion against the society than ignorant of it, able only to feed back certain of its most publicized self-doubts, Vietnam, Saran-wrap, diet pills, the Bomb.

...

As it happens I am still committed to the idea that the ability to think for one's self depends upon one's mastery of the language, and I am not optimistic about children who will settle for saying, to indicate that their mother and father do not live together, that they come from "a broken home". "

anything can go over the top.

for some months or maybe years now, I've been wondering how much waste I'm creating and how to reduce it, especially that of non-degradable materials like plastic. some thoughts here.

first, a complete abandonment of plastic and its substitution with paper products would cut down too many trees in this world, and there's nothing to suggest that that wouldn't be more catastrophic for this world than the current norm; what's important then is simply reusing bags (and other things) till their death, regardless of what those bags are made of. I now always keep shopping bags in our car, carry them to shops, and categorically refuse vendors' generous offers of numerous plastic bags or even paper bags, unless I really need to separate dirty potatoes from other vegetables. I have stopped shopping at the supermarket that individually wraps fruits and vegetables in cling wrap and throws plastic around like its dust. hubby still doesn't cooperate with my efforts on any of this.

second, most Indian households consider it 'clean' to throw out garbage every day, but it is completely unnecessary - we use large bins and throw out our garbage bags only when they are full, our habit uses considerably fewer plastic garbage bags and therefore releases less plastic waste. most people here screw their noses when they learn we don't empty out every day. this just reveals cultural ideas of what's clean and not (the same people have a daily system of their maids mopping the floors of their houses with a dirty rag that often doesn't dry after use and is never washed or cleaned beyond the little scrubs it is given by dirty hands in dirty water). even in the worst of delhi summer, our garbage rarely stinks. yeah, sometimes if its hot, we might tie out any meat waste separately and throw out earlier than the rest of the bag.

thirdly, and the point of this post, I've been worried by the amount of menstrual waste I create, and I am just one of many women on this planet. I started exploring options, cos there's also too much plastic in my pads. I found many things. the alternatives are - tampons (both organic and normal ones), organic and decompose-able pads, menstrual cups made of silicone, reusable cloth like mom did, and also surprisingly some new brands of absorbent panties that claim to lock the blood in and can be washed and reused. regardless of what excuse I come up with, I cannot bring myself to use reusable cloth or underwear. the thought itself is too much work on my part; as if managing periods in an environmentally reckless way itself is not hard enough. menstrual cups sound the least wasteful, but I find myself incapable of being able to insert it, even without trying (trust me, I know). so I tried tampons after researching them a bit. and that's why I came across TSS (toxic shock syndrome) even before I had ever used a tampon; most women who use them are oblivious to this possibility. true, that the risk of it sounds more like a Poisson possibility, especially if you follow instructions of hygiene and avoid super absorbent tampons. but then this morning I heard a woman narrate her experience of TSS when she was a 24-yr old athlete and lost her legs to the episode. now I am only human and I get scared too. and to give myself credit, I did try tampons this period after learning of TSS, and in fact, decided on alternating between them and pads (even before I heard this BBC story mentioned above) because I did not find them too comfortable - there's even some pain when it gets heavy with blood, and on my first two days that can happen in a couple of hours. don't think I'll be using them anymore. so I am left without making a change so far, and with the sole possibility of moving to environmentally friendlier sanitary pads - but won't demand for more organic cotton use up more important water than if we mixed some plastic in?? that is a question I will mull over for some time.

but talking about periods. there's this recent Netflix movie 'Soni' that is really worth a watch for its realistic portrayal of women's daily trials in this country. however, I remember strongly disagreeing with a particular scene in it, and the idea behind the scene that I felt perpetuated the shame and stigma forced upon women when they are 'down' with periods, especially if the blood leaks and their situation is revealed. instead of advising her niece to be unashamed of a bodily routine that women all over the world go through, and that is the very source of the ability to bear life, the character in the movie advises to track down the student(s) who played a dirty joke on her that highlighted the fact that she was on her period and was having a heavy flow, and demand they be punished. really? shouldn't we rather free women of the burden of shame that has been imposed upon us with regard to periods? if it leaks, so be it; I deal with mopping the blood every month for days, and you just had to see it this once and maybe some furniture needs to be cleaned up after it, you should just be thankful we bleed for the possible continuation of humanity. if you know I'm on my period, more information to you. and if I'm on my period, its just proof that I'm healthy.

when I read about a topic, I do get a lil obsessed by it and even unwittingly sometimes, related stories come my way. I read about a young woman who bled freely and ran a marathon : https://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/q-and-a/a44392/free-bleeding-marathoner-kiran-gandhi/ . and that BBC story this morning: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/w3cswlmt . and in NPR today again, a mention of this: https://www.wfae.org/post/new-book-busts-myths-about-menstruation-spread-public-health-groups#stream/0 . referring to the last link, it is true that in the western world (or in the privileged consciousness) new for-profit firms are refurbishing old ideas like reusable cloths and underwear and selling them as sustainable period waste alternatives, while other firms (or maybe the same ones) are using non-profit organizations to change habits and sell their single use sanitary pads and tampons to women who are used to home-made reusable cloth!

by the way, facebook is earning shit ton loads of money because of all those ads I keep seeing on it. another reason to write more here rather than discuss ideas and developments on that network with disinterested people. at least here I know that viewership self selects interest too, even if both are extremely thin.

if not earlier, I'll be back next month, when I'll be bleeding buckets again. it does get creative juices flowing as well, allegedly.

last year, a lil later this month, K's grandma died. I had spent some afternoons n late evenings with her while she watched TV and i sat on her bed next to her with my computer, reading or working. sometimes we also talked, although in her last year that was increasingly becoming difficult to do as we more than often failed to understand what she was saying ; talking had evolved into her writing in her notebook and me trying to decipher her words, often scrawled on top of previously written conversation. it was the same disease that Hawking had, but Badi did not have the same technology as him. whenever i guessed correctly what she was trying to say she would smile or her eyes would do that for her, and when i failed to understand she would scowl and get mad. that was the only expectation she had from me, or anyone else those days, and i failed her often, but neither of us gave up. you cannot when there isn't an alternative.

since her death, i have come upon some of her things. i was given a small silver box of hers that i now keep some earrings in. and i was offered to take whatever of her things i wanted. i took a nightshirt i had gifted her some yrs back on a birthday. i had shipped it to her from the US. a pink one with blue figures of Indian cricketers on it. it had been world cup season i think and she was always a big fan, giving greater importance to watching entire matches than to her meals, which had become an ordeal for her to swallow. i also took a yellow soft toy turtle that i had gifted her quite some years back, a small one from Anokhi made from Indian hand dyed fabric. it now lives on our yellow sofa, camouflaging and blending in pretty well. and yday i found yet another gift i had given her on yet another birthday. we were each peeking into her books cupboard last evening wondering if we wanted any. she used to be possessive about her things apparently, according to her daughter in law. i spotted this book and immeidately wanted it back now that she is no more. i wonder if she ever read it. there are some gifts you give to people that you want them to have because they appeal to you, even though you have no idea if they will appeal to them in the same way. in fact, because you don't know what will appeal to them, you often judge by your own liking. and now these things are so much more valuable because for a while she owned them.

"am I good enough?" I read that in some review of M. Obama's recent book 'Becoming', that that question underlies every phase of her life narrated in her autobio. to me it gives an immediate sense of humility, maybe even of insecurity of losing one's achievements, also of strife and struggle that makes every achievement more precious and viewed with more distrust, almost un-believingly.

yet it is possible to have that question gnawing inside you all the time while lacking humility, while being afraid that you overestimate yourself. maybe because 'good enough' does not have an external scale, but is measured against an internal one, that keeps adjusting, moving, fading, colliding with one's perceptions of others.

how do class, birth, and social privileges manifest themselves in one's self-opinion? and how does a big exogenous shock to one of those settings in which one finds oneself, shake those indelible markers of opinion? how do relationships change it, if they are honest enough to present truths about us, fairly or harshly worded?

last evening I suddenly got tear-ily nostalgic about my early twenties. about the people I found then in life, many of who have stayed, but don't feel the same as then now. all the tests I have put myself to since then, have altered the sense of entropy I had then. it was probably the last time in my life when I felt confident and bursting with potential, although acutely aware of my weaknesses but at the same time endowed with a sense of being able to fix them. and yet after falling a million times I feel happier in my withering than I could have ever imagined it then. I have evolved wings, and fins, and filters too. and have learned how to do the penguin walk for fear of slipping and falling on my face.

some people I now keep bumping into take me back but not in a good way. what is it really? do they remind me of myself screaming with my friends while we stood frozen between zooming cars in Dhobi Talao (those friends I no longer call friends), or me yelling 'asshole' affectionately at the guy for who I had a mixture of disdain and fascination because he seemed something I knew I would never become, or me in those years when I started to become myself how at first I had to find my tongue again and therefore often blurted things I shouldn't have in civil company and started to give in to lost temper with those around me. No I have considered all of these. I think what they remind me of is the self-centeredness one realizes in early adolescence after the awkwardness of the teens melts away and one feels for the first time like one is in control and that one understands deeper meanings in life and loves. this comes to stay, but without an honest critical lover or friend, or life that knocks one down time and again, it becomes a little obnoxious.

"her eyes stared vacantly at mine every time I told her a tale, but sparkled when she cut in to our conversation with a completely off-track statement that centered attention back at her. she couldn't stop talking, or voicing aloud that she was drunk. "