So much for this year's promise of bringing answers, it might just bring too many unwanted ones. He is reading Wuhan diaries of lockdown, a daily blog, and that reminded me of mine. Been wanting to get here for sometime now but was cooking too much cos he is at home and eats a lot, so we are both cooking quite a bit. Plus I was waiting for my period, imagine pms added to lockdown. Last night it suddenly struck me that I might be pregnant (every other period that's delayed gets me like this) and that given the lockdown I might have 'no choice' but to have the baby. No job, no income, the thought of a baby seems like complete surrender to nature at this point, sort of what I had predicted might be my only reason to some day become a mother. So I thought maybe that day had come. Was I ready? But it's not such a big question either, cos I've also been asking myself if I'm ready to die. If it came to it. To which my answer usually comes - how am I useful in this world anyway, struggling in my vanity to prove to the world that I can publish scientific works (btw one has been accepted now), that no one might even read. Shudnt this be a test of how useful everyone is, am I helping save lives now? Are you helping feed people now? Are you needed?

Earlier today while doing the dishes after dinner, together, I told him even if we die, or one of us does, wouldn't it be at least nice that we reached this level in our marriage, this level of understanding (to tolerate each other 24 hrs day after day without loathing each other, without fighting even) and that the quarantine lockdown led us here. Story for another blog post, of what remains in my memory of the first few days of continuous bickering and then a sudden cracking open of this golden harmony beneath it's surface.