in my case the universe conspires to mislead me whenever i need to make a decision. it throws options at me that seem to me, being in my situational coordinates, beyond my normal reach; and more attractive, given my reasons, than anything possibly imaginable. i should learn to recognise it then as chimerical. too good to be true. (who said those words first?) then it laughs while i wonder what went wrong. i'm thrown diametrically opposite to where i thought i was going that way.
i think it could be even simpler. maybe they've set some super fantastic foreign choice maker in me that just helps me choose the best of the best. clockworked me for entertainment. like a clown who sets traps for himself n then falls gleefully into them. does he nurse some fractured bone after the audience has left?
i should give the universe credit for managing my finance department strangely well though. doesnt mean i grow richer day by day. just means that it doesnt ditch me ever. money doesnt ever come to me when its meant to or when im looking forward to some, but its suddenly there just when i so need it.

not even peacocks' discordant cries keep you awake as rudely as human noise. even when you plug your ears so fiercely that you later have trouble getting the cotton out. can we go back to bein' savages

Which is love
To wish that you go to the other world while I am by your side
Or to snatch all pain or death that comes your way

An excerpt from 'SCHOOL IS A WASTE OF TIME! and other ritings' by William Brown:

What’s wrong with civilizashun

Sometimes you see things in the papers about what’s wrong with civilizashun an’ how it could be put right an’ that sort of thing an’ it seems to me that people that write them are all talking through their hats because they go on an’ on tryin’ to find out what’s wrong with civilizashun an’ what they never seem to see is that civilizashun’s all wrong anyway an’ that nothing will ever be right till we all go back to bein’ savages.
I’ve thought a good deal about this an’ I bet I know more about it than anyone else ‘cause I’ve thought about it more. Ever since I can remember I’ve thought that civilizashun was all wrong an’ I’ve wanted to be a savage. I can never understand how people can go on bein’ civilized when they could so easily turn into savages. If I were the king I’d make everyone stop bein’ civilized and start bein’ savages again an’ I bet we’d all be a jolly sight happier.
Take houses to start with. Savages didn’t have houses. They had caves an’ caves are a jolly sight better than houses any day. You don’t have to wipe your feet before you go into caves an’ there aren’t any ornaments to knock over or carpets to get muddy or things to get sticky if you only jus’ put a finger on them by accident like what there are in houses. The way people fill their houses with things that aren’t any use to anyone an’ that break or get finger marked almost with lookin’ at has always been a myst’ry to me.
Then their food wasn’t dull like what civilized food is – potatoes an’ milk pudding an’ bread an’ butter an’ stuff like that. I bet prehistoric animals tasted jolly good an’ they cooked them themselves over fires an’ I know that stuff you cook yourself over fire tastes better than any sort of food ‘cause I’ve often tried it. I once made...

one of those incidents where i regret not doing anything:

i was in a metro from cp to dwarka. some distance from me on the same seat were two girls, and right opposite them sat a man in his late forties or maybe fifties. there were'nt too many other people near us. this sick old uncle was staring at these two girls as i took the people around me in. he was oblivious to my glares and the two girls were oblivious of him. in front of my eyes, his right hand slipped under his kurta and from then on he continuously jerked off while lecherously staring at them. all i could do was avert my eyes and contort my face disgustedly. i dont know how many times in that short journey must i have resolved to raise a voice. but i couldnt manage it.

I think I’ve been a dormant supporter of capitalism till now. In some way blindly believing that the belligerent have a right to win and fatten, while the weak die out and are replaced by some more, as the fat increase their digestive capacity by working out. I thought this was an unsaid rule of the world, of evolution, and of economics and market forces. Growing up is changing something. Some little bits of me have started empathising with those I dismissed earlier. I like reading opinions of people who have actually been there. Who give me the other side of the story to the so-obviously accepted ideas and entities in our world.

this link builds an argument to support what were till now only fears

And today I was in Habitat center where I saw some photos of someplace in Jharkhand where the uranium miners dump the radioactive waste and where almost everyone is either suffering from some fatal disease or is disfigured for life. And till yesterday I was so proud of my country's nuclear prowess.

i once dreamed of walking on water with my love
of leaving our bodies wilfully and floating to the edge of the other world

today i dreamed of flying with u
and exactly then u were flying in your dream

i do believe in faeries
its only that i had forgotten about it all

men, women and feminism

i suddenly know why i like what douglas adams wrote (apart from the reasons why others liked it): his women characters are so subtly and undemandingly intelligent.

once someone asked me if i would say i was a feminist. i replied thinking with a final, slow, not totally self-convincing, "no". and would you believe that that person also told me that until it was cleared to them by a certain 'feminist' prof, they had thought feminism was all about loving pink, being dainty, hating and blaming men for everything, and in general being useless and nonsensical. this was a B.A. class of girls

some people are the end of the world
and they wield that power carelessly

losing sleep both ways

daylight saving in the US screws me up here. dont know if they manage to catch any extra daylight to their benefit. but here my clocks stare at me pleading innocence and yet my schedules are jerked to change. because of vibrations traveling into my phone. i hated it when they announced delaying time and thought i would welcome the restoration to normalcy but here i am again, reeling.

freudian slip.
which freud?
freud egg

long ago, the milk in my glass came from a cow being milked in front of us every morning, with a generous proportion of water added by sleight of hand. now it comes from a plant which has delayed it today morning! the cow was timed well

its easy to spend 12 hrs alone at night. but the same during day become a task. what is it about night. i want it to last

mean AND rude

some people have this loud manner. not just the extra audible voice but a manner if u know what i mean. its embarassing to be with them in public. they attract admiration-lacking attention. the manner extends to loud unpleasant incidents that make them your guests unavoidably. and it goes further to make your washroom unbearable. no not the sight but the smell. and if that wasnt enough, they want their host at her entertaining best. so they linger in your room when your boyfriend is present and ensure their loudness(includes literal amplitude) is noticed. at the bottom of all this may be a hypothyroid which the person in question cannot help.

(makes me guilty to have written this out. though why exactly am i to blame for what feelings come up in me i fail to figure out as usual)

no i didnt see these myself :(

dharamshala

i hate people who stop by to stay with you just because you seem to be on their travel route or because you live near the airport. wish i could throw them out in the middle of the night on the pretext of a fight or something. would be cool fun.

its not that people forget easily
its just that they don't think back so often
thats what makes it easy to put people off track

simple

there's a pair of mynahs that comes to my terrace to feed on rice sprinkled by my mom and to dip their beaks and drink the water esp put out for them. on days when all of us forget to give them their rice or water, one of the two will come softly, its neck moving in little jerks, to the door of the terrace and peek into the house. without a sound it will just look in. till they get their share

wooing

another populist i-am-your-messiah railway budget by laloo. reducing fares, giving coolies govt employee status, and declaring a 250 billion profit. there are doubts already on how the profit figure had been calculated and whether its a bluff. though the coolies sure are dancing. and yeah the promise to convert four main railway stations to compare with international standards! this is his fifth hare out of the hat. i have just a very basic question. in the last 4 years what did he do to improve safety, cleanliness and conveniences, and punctuality in the railways? its great to have people happy about reduced fares and great to make promises about 'green toilets' and escalators and smart cards; at the same time have even your opponents enjoying themselves as he claims in his 'international' english that he has revolutionised indian railways and is appreciated all over for that. apart from what he shows on paper to have changed the railways from a loss making department to a rollicking earner (which many credit to his enterprising subordiantes and not the man himself), i dont see much either on the stations or in the trains. i would appreciate changes evident to my eyes than a budget that sounds rosy to the ears.
prannoy roy asked him a question: if he was a better CM or RM? what i have to say to that is when he is an RM its a department at his mercy, not people's lives like when he was the CM. in a department at max he can gain popularity for another election to fill his pockets again , in the state he ruled like a demon and slaughtered lives to prosper.

unfathomable (is that a word? barrons only has its antonym)

there are people you think you would have fallen in love with, had something not happened. and when you want to talk to them, you wonder if they knew this. if they thought that you have actually fallen for them even though that something did happen. and there are people who think this about you.
and then sometimes something else happens and you realise why you did not fall for him/her. then you realise that it wasnt that something that stopped it but this something that never showed up then, which if it had right in the beginning you would never have included him/her in the list of those-not-fallen-for-but-could-have, no matter how much you still think of him/her.

phew! eased me out. the best way to enjoy the purgative quality of writing when you are no longer anonymous.