even my cactus is dying on me. the succulent I couldn't bear to see falling limb by limb, so I put it down. the cyclamen has more yellow leaves than flowers in it, and I can't decide which it likes better - the texan summer sun or the american indoor atmosphere. only the money-plantish-es are going strong, sprouting leaf after leaf after leaf. I'm not even sad, I'm disgusted with myself. especially when I look at the cactus, that once had a huge orange bulb-ous-ness on it; now has lost color, become flaccid, and is slowly shrinking away into the lil bit of earth in that tiny red pot. is it dead, is it gone? should I throw it in the kitchen bin now? the only silver lining is as if these suicidal plants are just paving the way for my easy getaway to my summer home, cos I hate texas in the summer. (I shouldn't with the same vehemence anymore though, cos now I'm a spoilt elite who doesn't really stay outdoor long enough in the heat, who has a car for all weathers, even a tiny pink-handled car door umbrella that stays there so weather doesn't sweat me either way. compare this with when I was a car-less student, poor so no cabs either. but memory works with a strong bias, all that's forgotten, not to be compared with. I still hate texan summers.)
house greenery is lovely to have. but is a huge responsibility, almost like pets. I mean, now they have some self-watering pods etc. etc. but they don't seem to work too well for too long of a missing human presence. I forgot this when I brought these plants home, forgot that my life was still nomadic, forgot that although I wasn't bringing home a pup (which I never did for travel and potty reasons), these would need me too.
I'm a bad caretaker. dunno what kind of mom I'd ever make.
when I was lil my biggest ambition was to get rich, be a wife, be a mother.
now I've resolved the opposite, for one of those above at least. I don't want to be a mother ever. rich - I now don't care to be (still holding onto the philosophy that money is critical on the negative side, not so much on the positive). a wife I am, and that in many ways cannot be reversed.
having kids is not only a big responsibility that I may never be ready for, but there are a couple other serious stuff involved. first, what haunted me for years - what if my kid turns out to be a demon, a human devil, a murderer, rapist, abuser, narcissist, a hitler, ...., .... what if. but these days its another very serious, non-paranoid thought. having kid(s) makes people risk averse. very risk averse. and materialistic. yeah I know, I know, you will say it does the opposite - self-sacrifical and all. not denying that. the mother can go hungry to feed the kid and all, but can at the same time 'do anything' to buy food for her starving kid. to say the very least, having kids robs people of their independence in making their life decisions, everything is then motivated by a sense of security, of well-being, for their offsprings. people cannot risk losing their jobs if there are kids waiting at home. people cannot afford to be idealistic with mouths to feed. people cannot afford to be heroes when their kids are at the mercy of the heroism. money, purchasing power, well being, becomes the dictator then. you then have to make compromises, you have to settle, you have to be realistic. or you could be like Gandhi, and earn the simultaneous reputations of a 'mahatma' and a bad father.
aaahhh, but I'm not destined for great things anyway. but I still like my rebel-attitude, my middle finger, in response to things that leave me with a bad feeling. or maybe I still simply like to believe that I have control, that I am not beholden.
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