so many feelings

So many roads I want to travel
So many ruins I want to rest in
So many smiles I want to create on faces
So many minds I want to occupy
And a gain in degree of inclination of my nose
Thinking of my worth in this world
For some I’m waiting for company
For others decayed obligations to die
I’v let waste a lot of my life
Need a fresh start this time
Only driven by my heart
I know all gates wouldn’t be open
But from the windows that don’t shut
This time I won’t compromise
Will refuse to let anything else decide
U are a reminder that i’m not doing much
Also an inspiration
A small unpleasantness sometimes wonders
Yet this heart smiles to see u find your calling
(notice the doubt comes in first,
but the buoyancy is larger)
Ever thought about the word 'smile'
Transfers the feeling across
Its beautiful, cant say more

medical negligence

a 13 yr old boy gone in for a tonsilitis operation killed due to overdose of anaesthesia. the doctors sentenced for 2 years in prison after some 12 years of the incident. another 82 yr-old retired professor's 40-odd yr old son is killed in another case where doctors couldnt figure out what was wrong, conducted no tests for obvious heart problems, continued with conservative treatment till the death of the patient. the Delhi Medical Council reported "immediate intervention would have yielded better results". a year after the incident, Professor Luthera is battling for justice. it took him a year to get an FIR registered under section 304 (culpable homicide not amounting to murder) that too against an unknown person! his time is now spent studying legal journals and fighting unprofessionalism & "its not my problem-i'm not affected-i won't budge an inch-why should i risk my skin" attitude. its sad to even read about it.

wrote sometime back

I have just watched the film Parzania. It is not at all what you expect out of a movie after 5 days in front of your computer. No, it certainly isn’t something that will make you smile with realization that Saturday is here. It is a desperate attempt to awaken that sleeping part of you that has restricted your senses to excels, deadlines, coffee, traffic, plays, movies, concerts, yoga, cricket, sex, cheap comedy, bills and finances. It is what reminds you that what you heard in the news to have had happened a thousand miles away from you day before, and what happened in the neighborhood yesterday and flashed as breaking news, could have very well happened in front of your eyes. The death toll could have easily included you. The movie makes you wonder where our country is headed. No, I am not talking about GDP and double digit growth rates. I am talking about Assam and Gujarat and Bangalore and what next? It makes you ashamed to be living in this country of conscienceless, barbarous, devilish devouts. Is this what evolution was to lead to? First man learns how to protect himself. Then he conquers other so-called inferior animals and develops his world to gain power and control. When the animals in the world are too few to fight with he turns to his own community and starts killing, raping, and eating his own kind. Is the most evolved form of two legged creatures to be cannibals?
Imagine if an armed mob of thousands were to gather outside your homes forcing themselves in and the next very evident step was to be your and your family’s death. Only because the mob thought it their religious right to kill you. Only because you didn't belong to their religion because you hadn’t chosen your birth. Only because your murder proved them more religious. Imagine the helplessness and terror when you are trapped in your own house and you see your death in front of you in the form of a crazy bastardly group of armed religious fanatics. Imagine if your friends and neighbors shut their doors on you because they suddenly realized that they belonged to the same religion as your killers. Imagine men being stripped and cut to pieces after their circumcision gave them away. Imagine women being raped and butchered. Sarika in the movie is talking about the riots and she says, “They were cutting breasts and throwing them in the air”. And another victim states, “They put a knife through my daughter’s private parts and laughed”.
Imagine if such a mob is running after you and your kids when your son suddenly gets left behind and with your daughter in your arms you forget yourself and are torn between continuing to run to save her or turning back to your son. Imagine the terror of your son screaming to you for help when you know you can’t risk going back. When you know you probably will never see him again. Imagine your helplessness when your daughter, terrified that you may turn back, actually frees herself and runs away from you. This is what the movie shows.
Imagine the disgust when you realize that all the bloodshed, all the terror was political. And what about your faith in god and your pride on being an Indian? What about the shame you feel to name your religion when you know it to be the cause of so much bloodshed?
Is this the dream we had for India? When India loses a bloody cricket match there is such a hue and cry in the whole nation. And people killing each other in the name of religion and caste has become so passé that it comes as no surprise.
You know what Parzania means in the movie? It is an innocent child’s ‘utopia’, his version of ‘Peter Pan’s Neverland’. Its where there is no end to happiness, chocolates, sweets, love and all things beautiful. It is his own piece of heaven in his heart. Will children stop dreaming and lose their innocence in this country? Or will they all be either killed or raped in Godhra or Nithari?

which do i hate more

i wont let them scrap the nuclear deal. nor let them spoil my beauty of marriage. i may not be able to do much for the world, but i refuse to let my world burn down in front of me. the social outcast in a live-in is more honest than a frivolous girl obeying her parents. where are our values? in showing the world a coy face and then sleeping with someone you don't feel for, in appreciation of the person's noble descendence, or his academic qualifications maybe, or what else, your triumph of owning his wealth his success. does the false romance remind you of something in the past with a different face to the figure?
saviours of our traditions claim to denounce love and propogate the idea of a blind date for present youthful needs and future insurance against loneliness. notice companionship comes in only when you are old. not surprising when you have spent your youth trying to convince yourself that this was what you dreamt of. that this is the person. or if he isnt today then he will be tomorrow or it will just take you some time to realise it. how can i forget that while you thus fool yourself, you also get those pleasurable nights that this hypocrite society prefers to call a married life. does a man get so desperate to accept and not look beyond any other similar bred animal who is brought into his cage and locked up with him for life. that wasnt anyone's idea of love. ok you will argue its not "any animal" but "an animal chosen from maybe 10-15 more". great variety of forced choice i call it. and a beautiful vision of mechanising love.
the scene is not very different in politics. the same unreasonable detest for every choice boldly declared. a senseless anti americanism that cares shit about what the deal is about. the only concern itching them is that it is with the country thats infecting people with individualism, thats stealing our sons away from us and is exploiting our foolish vulnerable daughters for who we had ordained the best fate possible - one that sees not much beyond the kitchen and the bedroom.

never let me go

read that book: never let me go. some japanese author cant get the name right now. ok ishiguro. made me weep literally. though thats easy to do. the best thing is you dont pity them - kathy and her friends. you get into her skin and feel her emotions. her pain her hopelessness. you feel the fragility in everything around you. you feel thankful for every breath of those you love. of the existence, the freedom to live with them. the ease with which the characters submit to their fate frightens you. the meaning of love hits you hard in the face. of the importance of every word said, of its effect on today and tomorrow. you want to scream and bring them to life. this life that you are exploiting. you want to rewind the book make it real and snap them out of that nightmare.

knot boom

suddenly there is this flood of people getting married. all around me. what does it feel to have chosen your best bet from the choices offered to you by the marriage market? when you met that person once before your marriage? wouldnt you still be considering your options in the market like after buying a new car? or take another case. you've just emerged from a relationship that didnt work due to unavoidable obstacles - call it caste. and now you are fixed to meet someone, get engaged and seem to be happily married now. which feeling were/are you faking? or the third case, you finished the basic minimum degree you needed to get a respectable job and your possessive girlfriend wants to get married and you can't think of anything you can object to. your life is dead otherwise and you revive it by deciding to tie the knot. or the fourth, no other person will tolerate you and yet worship you this way so it must be love and as neither of you is worth more, do it.
the fifth was a big surprise. a picture of two people smiling and looking really happy - touch wood - in each other's company. they too will soon tie the knot and no, they did not fall in love before the thought crossed them but were fixed to do it, and now feel like they couldnt have asked for more. believable? i've become a skeptic. i haven't seen the beauty of my idea of marriage being realised in any couple. i hope these two do it.

not all posts will be so dreary

a phase in life makes another, gone by, seem like a dream. i'v finally given up refusing to myself to grow up. iv suddenly realised iv grown old. old and useless with wasted dreams of what i could achieve. people who dreamt with me sadden me with their lives, to add to the cheer. these days inspiration comes in brief flashes. from meetings with people who have strived and achieved. who continue to, with the passion and energy that should have been mine. who tell me to fight for it. for a day after that ill feel young and bright. only to realise next morning that there are various types of players in this game and your strategy is played with and against all of theirs. so that after those numerous rebounds from their closed minds, your blow has dissipated all energy. you are reduced to a quitter, wanting to desert. surviving only thanks to your personal support sytem, the people you live on, like a parasite. your temper gets shorter, you can't tolerate good humor at times.
a good story saves me a little. gives me another world to concentrate upon. maybe someday i will write like that and save someone's day.