I've had some sleepless-ish nights lately. The aftermath of him visiting my campus and me having to chaperone him around. Took me 6-7 years to be able to talk to him finally this last December, after awkwardly pouring my heart out to someone I've known for ages and suddenly realising he was sitting right next to. When I did finally (the next day) initiate conversation with him, we just looked at each other a minute and chuckled/smiled big. But I still tortoise-shell myself every time he comes at me, and he does do that even now. I skipped half a class to be able to meet him, hoping it would clear the air. His knowing smile and intimate-conversation eyes though scared me and made me withdraw within. But I did recover each time within minutes, pretending to have forgiven and forgotten. We had to walk without others, be in an elevator by ourselves and there was nothing I could think to say other than what I was asked. For a minute, in the audience to his talk, I felt like another colleague could see our eyes locking and feel my disturbance and discomfort. And at least once, or maybe more, I looked at him and felt like telling him he was so old, that I admired him immensely and was flattered by the attention and really seeked to get to know him but also "please don't do that, it makes me want to run away". Our words keep playing over and over in my mind. And I also keep craving to see him again. We live close by, but somehow I only see him in work settings where often at first I will notice him staring at me. Does he not realize the power dynamic here? Does he not realise I am not myself at work? Can we still be friends