people feel like possibilities.

and i went from feeling friendless to feeling missed and remembered..

therapy is teaching me that people's response to me is often not about me but they themselves. and thus the realisation that there is often no need to feel embarassment or offence or frustration or anger. I'm feeling more magnanimous with this realisation. if people have galoshes or blinkers on because they're just protecting themselves, then I can be the one to extend an arm out and to smile, even if often they don't notice it or are unable to smile back.

and I'm discovering a lot of music. Rosa Balistreri's voice, reminiscent to me of Chavela Vargas', and through the former, the world of Italian folk (try Cu ti lu dissi), John Lurie and the Lounge Lizards because Mubi happened to have Stranger than Paradise on its movie of the day list y'day (one of the cutest funniest movies ever), some i am already forgetting but Spotify will keep in mind for me: Mose Alison, Screamin Jay Hawkins. 

our therapist asked each of us one day to express what we meant by trust, what made us trust people more or less. my answer was long and descriptive, harping on 'honesty' which she later summarized as focused on 'authenticity'. his was mostly "i don't know, its instinctive", but before he said that he also said almost apologetically, "my answer is not as pretty". that sums up a lot of our thoughts or rather our expressions on things. we were watching 'the banshees of inisherin', and at the end he asked me what i thought it was about. "what is it about? i think it has at least a few themes running through it... why, what do you think its about?" "i think its about how people can never really forgive each other." "maybe, but its not just about that. i think it has 2-3 themes: one, is something on the lines of 'posterity' and what you leave behind and what matters to us as human beings; two, how different people value different things and whether it is okay to classify people as one thing or another; third, if there is a third theme, it is probably something about 'niceness' or more generally what do we owe each other. so yeah, as a whole its probably about what it means to be a human being, how we are different, and what we owe each other. there, even here my answer is prettier than yours." both smile. recently i've been on a women's writing spree. Mary McCarthy, Tove Ditlevsen, Toni Morrison, Hannah Arendt, Emma Forrest, Janet Malcolm, and a Magda Szabo that my friend gave me but I couldn't bare to keep reading cos it was disturbing. and today i came across some book review on nytimes where the words "why women need to read other women" caught my attention.