I'm on my own for some days. I have a friend at work now, but he's a kid almost. K is away and i am wondering who I am missing more. I feel like life sneaked up on me, caught me unawares, and i can't recognise myself anymore. I'm not able to work much. Sometimes i binge watch something that feels close to my situation. Everything seems to be trying to tell me something. When did this unraveling begin, how did I not see it then. The last two years have been heavy but just when it feels like we have done well, i realise I've forgotten myself somewhere, I've obliterated my memories because they all felt corrupted. I don't know what our life has been about anymore. Were we together to work this mess out. Was it when the confessions began, was it when he began to gain weight, was it Budapest and how alive i felt there, was it what happened in the hospital, was it the things my sister said, was it me feeling like I was here only to 'care for' him. I've been cursing, exclaiming, and holding my head in frustration again and again today. Why aren't we taught to recognise and deal with our feelings ever. Mister Rogers' senate speech from 1969 popped up in a show i was watching, in a very powerful scene. I've been watching his speech on YouTube again and again since then. "What do you do with the MAD that you feel". I wish he had been raised like that.

I've also been more blatantly ignoring his parents now. what's the point in obligatory respect and conversation? they don't even acknowledge our truths, our struggles. they are full of prejudices and sexism.

I remember quoting Vikram Seth's words from golden gate when he had proposed. to make the point that some people thought in that way but I didn't, or didn't want to. but I guess it was too much attention from someone i was also in awe of somewhat, and as with much of what's happened in my life i fell into what was chosen for me by life. what is it that life is trying to realise through me now? why must i always be on the edge of something precarious? why is it so hard to understand what i am feeling