I still miss the quiet guy. the first time I met him was at the workshop, him and others were each presenting their work and i was exempt cos I had just arrived days ago. I didn't think much of him, his work seemed like a lot of theoretic work that I feel disconnected with; mechanism design they all call it. then during a break i happened to share one of those small circular stand around and snack tables at conferences. and i remember he asked me if I was there working on my Masters thesis. I thought to myself "am i underdressed for the workshop, in my jeans, i mean Masters student?!" but I said aloud to him, "you haven't seen all my white hairs yet" with a brush of my hand to reveal some. another colleague at the same table then added that I was an Assistant prof .... then i remember asking him about his country.. and toward the end of that day when his friend asked me if I would join them (somehow only the guys had collected) for a drink i said "okay" after a moment of self deliberation that told me to accept friendliness when I got it instead of complaining that Europeans weren't friendly or inclusive. I remember walking to that bar by the Danube, near the 'baleine', when I saw his friend talk in Hungarian with the waiter, and i wondered aloud to him, and him chuckling and telling me that his friend was in fact Hungarian. for weeks after i just remember thinking he was a sweet nice older guy. the day after that first day in fact he walked in the shared office and said with a half complaint that I had taken his place. I responded with a gentle mock-remorseful 'Haww'. but every other time I left it for him, using it only on the days when he didn't turn up. otherwise we sat together in one of those shared rooms, noticing each other's conversations with others and talking to each other briefly and sharing lil things about work etc. I remember asking him if he had known that economist who had died in the hiking accident cos they both worked in the same country and felt like about the same age. 

It was around the office daytrip i think that him, me, and the cold-hard to read guy, started hanging together, quietly walking mostly; or maybe around then we three also started finding ourselves available for lunch with no one else around. that night when saying bye and walking in the opposite direction with other people, i remember asking him if he wanted to get some dinner before going without thinking much of that invitation. after the trip in fact, i remember, creating a shared pics link, and him having trouble adding his cos he didn't use the Google photos app... and me realising that day what a dinosaur he was as he complained about his phone running out of space and about the app asking him permission to read all his files etc. I smiled and helped him, feeling physically close to him for the first time, and yet not touching him or his phone, thinking "this guy is from another time, man". I found his being lost with technology and his voicing it and asking for help very sweet somehow.

He felt shy around me, but he also felt shy in general, and i didn't think much of it other than maybe that he didn't talk with the other women around much maybe cos they weren't around him much. maybe cos I was as usual more comfortable talking to men anyway. and that maybe he liked talking with me or just being around. I still remember the day something struck me about it all. his friend, him, me, and this other woman went out for lunch; and his friend asked him at least more than once if he wanted the chair next to me. I pretended not to notice that exchange, but something shifted between him and me in that moment. I noticed him differently, or I noticed him noticing me differently. there were more moments since then.... the time when he smiled and asked whether I wanted to accompany them for lunch when so far it seemed like the two friends were going by themselves (i said i was in the middle of something, which I was); the time when he caught me drinking water from the tap and was embarassed to come closer to the sink because my body was blocking it (his face then ...); the time when I was sitting in another room far away and missing his company and later when I saw him in the pantry and our eyes met and both of us in turns kept trying to keep the conversation going so we could delay bidding goodbye...; the time when he left for home just before lunchtime and while saying bye searched for my eyes around the lamp that was standing in between... that was the day K was to arrive and i remember I went still after meeting those eyes and slowly seeing them leave, sighing to myself to get out of that moment that seemed very long.

what was it that we shared? the last few days when we walked with the others, to and from lunch or my farewell drinks, him and me lagged behind, walking quietly side by side, me somewhat trying to tell him that I'd rather walk with him than with the hard to read guy cos I felt strangely that he felt jealous/leftout every time I spoke at length with another guy colleague.

a few days before my last day, in the new office, i called him to show him the windy balcony, and then another day the open terrace, both those time it was just the two of us. but what left me speechless was the moments when we said bye. once when both of us said exactly together the same words, "it was really nice getting to know you". and then when I met him after a week, alone, to steal a last conversation together for the final goodbye, when he said, "i am sure we will meet again, at some conference". I just looked at him, thinking to myself (but saying nothing), "i don't trust the future; this will not be again I am sure"... Earlier that morning as I walked to the cafe where we had agreed to meet, i questioned myself aloud why I was going, the cafe was empty and i felt safer being the first so I had time to gather myself, but soon as I sat down on a bench outside in the cafes window he came upon me from the opposite side to which I had thought he would approach, with a smile and a hi. I broke into a smile too at the sight of his face, but soon felt uncomfortable, as if I had been watched by him while I thought I was 'safe'. we had this way of looking into the others eye while the other was talking, a lil unselfconsciously. and that day the sun was getting into his eyes so he took his sunglasses and put them on, but then put them away soon, possibly because they prevented us from talking effectively, from seeing each other's eyes...

and then when we got up to walk away finally, in opposite directions, i felt a hug coming from both of us, but i extended my hand out to shake. 

I wonder ...