bounty

I've been birdwatching a bit lately as I am not in the frame of mind to open my computer and work these days. am learning to be still and patient and watch out for sudden movements in the branches of the trees in front of our windows. it's a good spot, with a big gulmohar in bloom right now, a shahtoot tree, and one what I call the mother tree; these three together attract a variety of birds whose names I am slowly learning. I still can't tell their calls from each other. my favorites are the restless butterfly sized sun birds who can barely stay put. I also love to spot green colored ones, so far parrots, brown headed barbets, and the common tailorbird. the other day I was wondering whether birds chart out the flight trajectory before they take off or not. or what range circles the kites want to float in. 

in India in summer you get a variety of melons, juicy and cool, even other than the more-known watermelon. I call all these kharbujas, but there are many, yellow, cream, orange, and green, some striped. I've figured it's best to eat in each season what's bountiful then; so am getting lots of melons while we wait for mango season. and now whenever I cut one of these, I collect their seeds (found conveniently in the center), wash and dry them, and then sprinkle them somewhere on the earth. last time I did this, I went to check the day after and saw only shells of them remaining. these are tiny flat seeds and it's hard for human hands/teeth to shell them, and I'm assuming also for bird beaks. so I think the squirrels have been busy snacking on them after some hard work. 

people still don't understand how this virus is spreading. they think gloves and trucks spraying sanitizer will help stem it. they don't get that masks and being near open doors and windows is the only hope when in a room with strangers. households with infected people are still not getting all members tested; they still fear the sample collection guy and people bringing them supplies, not understanding that the risk of transmission is the other way round.

in my parents' housing society some people started the theory that it's spreading through water pipes. they apparently even gathered some evidence. 

everyone has become a doctor or a scientist, self proclaimed. they still are trying and believing all recommended home remedies. not that docs really know what to do either, they are just tired serving their patients and relatives and friends who call in after hours. 

and parks have been shut. 

parents and sis tested positive. 

almost everyone I know is either sick or busy worrying about sick family and friends. 

it's harrowing. and the country is boasting that it has exported more vaccine doses than administered at home. while planned vaccination camps are being called off due to short supply.

friends and family are falling sick now. both of us had dreams about it one night, especially after hearing of my cousin who had a bad bout of sickness and another old acquaintance/friend whose family of 5 all fell sick and whose husband is in the hopital now; she herself has to stick her head in the O2 concentrator they've got home every now and then when she feels dizzy or gets splitting headaches. his cousin has quarantined her husband alone at their home while she moved in with her mom for a few days. he seems to be ok though after a few days of fever. my cousin has had fever since April 7-8 alongwith intermittent splitting headaches, weakness, runny tummy, diminished appetite and loss of the sense of taste/smell; for the last 2 days now though the fever is low-grade and the other symptoms seem to be gone and we are all breathing in relief. i was also getting worried for his brother who took him for a ct scan, and was in general tending to him through a window to the quarantined room. another cousin of mine lost his sense of taste and smell, got tested, was positive, and then his 3 yr old daughter came down with fever. this morning i heard she is better. a friend i was texting with regularly suddenly said she was also down with fever. thankfully she also seems to be much better today. i told my sister not to go into a hospital with my mom or my father on their day of second vaccine shot. people are scared to go into docs' clinics and hospitals. there's a drive through testing tent on my way to the borrowed office where i stare afraid at the line of cars each day. 3 weeks ago there used to be none and i wondered if the tent was in use. my dad is wearing double masks. he and sis are still going to banks and registrars offices as her flat purchase is coming through. thankfully my parents moved apartments before this fire got wild. and we took a break out of the city and this apartment. he even went and stayed with his parents for a couple days around holi without getting tested, while i got some alone time to heal too. therapist told us we are a rare couple (amongst her clients) who have mutual respect for (and don't bicker about) each other. i am learning to be less angry, more considerate, and to understand his vulnerabilities. and vice versa. a worksheet the therapist gave me to check on my anxiety levels made me anxious because i didn't think till then that i had anything to worry on that respect. i am back to myself now as i realize it was just a routine check on her part and not an indication that i too had clinical problems. when you start worrying about your worries it can get tricky and you fall into a loop. but i've been there and through before, i trust my body to wade me through the worry now again. i have shaky hands, the only symptom on the worksheet that really applied to me but i am not bothered because i know my mind and my body steadies them when i need them to be so. in fact its amazing what our bodies are capable of: moving period dates around to ease schedules, burn us up to disintegrate viruses, run for miles without needing to stop, figuring out when they need sleep, food, and water, and demanding and delivering these to the self, excreting unwanted bacteria through acnes and blackheads, and in so many ways, healing and taking what's needed from the atmosphere to do just that. but then again, viruses are also nature, and as i've said before if one has evolved to replicate using our energy while sometimes disintegrating us, then that's nature too, and was probably needed. because nature is a self-regulating body too. and we are part of the food chain. and human intellect is part of nature too. yes that same one that invented science and logic. and when fighting a wildfire knows that sometimes the best strategy is to create a controlled line of fire a lil way off to burn the grass or the vegetation out and create a fuel-less barrier to the spreading flames; just like instilling controlled sickness in the form of immunization can eliminate numbers for possible future infections, or at the very least reduce viral loads in case of infections. this virus has made us philosophical. i have thought of my death, and of those close to me, and am no longer surprised or stunned by much. its natural that i am living now, and natural that i will die someday. and your life will go on. or vice versa.

I get impressed by fame and reputation. even before getting here I was in awe of him. and then I heard so much more of him after we got here, from him, that both of us developed a huge crush-awe on him (his has evaporated since but mine has not yet been normalized). my adult fascinations are so different from those adolescent ones, this is more a professional sense of admiration mixed with a fear of looking like a fool in front of (or to) him. I saw him many times but always in the distance and was never introduced, although once I felt him looking at us arguing somewhat. 

then about two and half years ago I finally met him. we were all taking the same flight and on the bus to boarding he came right next to us seated together, and thus I was introduced. he must have also heard about me from him. I was shy but shook his extended hand with mine, which had thus been fiddling and wrapping my neon rubber hairtie around my fingers. I didn't have the time to take it off; and wondered if he could feel it's texture in that brief handshake. 

two of us had bought tickets seperately, his officially sponsored, mine bought by me. so we weren't seated together. but as we boarded I realised I was across the aisle from the other him instead, seated with his family. the way things choose to happen scares me sometimes. a sign, fate, or a chemical force seating us so close. I was tongue tied and as a result aloof, maybe appearing to be rudely so.

in the next few days of the conference (that I wasn't a part of) stay, I felt him once trying to get close to me to have a conversation, when some of us were walking - which instinctively made me distance myself - and found him observing me a few times. by now I was talking quite a bit with his wife; I felt much easier with her. 

since then I've seen him a few more times, in the parking lot or at a seminar, and each time I've either squirmed in my seat (when he suddenly turned back at the sound of my voice as I spoke to ask a question) or turned my back at him and started walking away. not because I wanted to, but because I felt safer to. tongue-tied-ness sometimes extends to limbs and the need to disappear too.

and now after two yrs and some months I suddenly walked into a room to talk to someone and realised slowly that he was sitting and talking to her. his legs were up on a chair, but as soon as he realised my presence he took them down slowly one by one; this I realised out of the corner of my eye cos I couldn't bare to direct them at him after the realization of his presence. his 'hi' was met by me with a slight wave of the hand and my face in his direction while mouthing it weakly aloud. I still couldn't meet his eye. it must have seemed rude, given how senior he is to me, but my behavior is not in these moments in my control.

and then the other day I had just deposited my lunch sandwich at my desk and walked out again to wash my hands before I ate and I heard a door unlock behind me, in the direction of his office. I looked back wanting to undo my strange behavior and to start getting to know him - which I've been craving in fact - and to thus normalize his perceived persona. for a split second I was thunderbolted yet again because I saw him half inside his door with his neck swung back looking at me just as I was looking at him. I'm glad I recovered and waved and croaked out a 'hi', making the moment a lil less awkward, and that he waved back. in so many years I (we) have made some progress. maybe we can be friends someday

what I've been upto

whiskey and beauty are our lane dogs: strays who have a few homes feeding them in our lane in our colony, and who exercise occupation rights and guard our building staircase sometimes. whiskey is a light brown white male, who barks at cars and is friendly to friends; beauty is more complex just like women are, and is big and strong and somewhat aggressive especially when she's feeling guarded. but she can also be gentle and let you give her a belly rub. she has black marks on her brown face that resembles a goatie, or at least a moustache. I just learned their names this week. he is scared of dogs and if one of them is guarding the stairs it becomes really hard for us to get back up especially late at night. so I am now looking for some dog food to keep in the car to distract them with cos they don't get lured away from their perch easily. 

and I finally have a (borrowed) office where I come 4 days a week in the afternoons to sit in some silence and work. this reject and (optional) resubmit is hard but progressing slowly. and to keep me company I've brought my poetry with me, rather the books of poetry that I owned. did anyone ever tell you that the best books to keep at your work desk (if you don't write literature or poetry yourself) are poems; you can read a few lines or a few pages and get a lil bit of perspective on life when you're feeling stuck or tired with work. it's mostly Plath, a Blake, and one by a local poet (a gift), and I recently bought one by Margaret Atwood. the last is surprising, a mix of angst, feminism, humor, environmentalism, ... (quoting a bit). 

"The aliens arrive. 

They've heard about human sex

but don't believe it.

At great risk to themselves

they've come to see.

They send down spies

in the shape of flying eyes

that peek in through our windows.

Oh anthropology!

The horror! The surprise!

What a show!

It almost makes them ill!

What a thrill.

They abduct a hundred humans

through a cosmic straw

and slurp us to another planet

and put us in a zoo.

Unless you have sex on demand

you don't get fed.

They say the equivalent of Ah and Ooo,

also Haha.

Dire, what hunger will do.

It's sex, sex, sex,

every two hours,

alternating with egg sandwiches and beer.

Be careful what you wish for."

we all sneeze every now and then. a random one here and there is simply a momentary bodily response or reaction to some stimulus. but a bout of frequent sneezes is symptom either of a short term illness like a cold or of an allergy - still the body's reaction against external stimuli - and now you might need something to help alleviate the discomfort or some medication. take it further still, someone with a chronic sneezing problem, possibly sinus issues or something else within the body that causes it; this now you can be surer needs more medical help and its cause is within rather than without. 

replace the idea of a 'sneeze' above with any human emotion, especially an extreme one, and the concept of mental illness starts to become a lil clearer. 

there's a world that opens up through the doors of books where I often prefer to live. and I come out of it for lil things I love in this the outer shell world - morning runs, swims in cold blue pools, hugs and caresses and sitting close together, soft cotton fabrics with kalamkari and other shopping, birds birds and more birds, their chirping and tweeting and floating in the wind, flowers and dogs and the colors of living things, eyes and what they hold and share, and food where things die and go to become beautiful again. and song and poetry.