infidel preferences

can having choice reverse preference? I hadn't realized the fading of my love for India till my choice of flying out was taken away. maybe in the same way, people from other countries find India romantic because they can come and go when they want.

is this similar to marriage? do people feel chained by marriage, and is that in itself the cause that they unravel? theoretically, marriage shouldn't change anything though, togetherness should always be preferential, optional. walking out is open.

but borders have visas. and passports. and nationalities. and love doesn't decide any of these.

...

on a different note: I never was a fan of Konkona Sen Sharma, other than in the movie Mr. and Mrs. Iyer (she is also good in the recent Lipstick Under MY Burkha). there was something about her in most other movies which felt overdone. I remember I once shared a flight with her, and was completely unimpressed by the excitement in the air (pun intended). then recently I saw her directorial debut. my mind was blown. I think she found her purpose in life. she was born to bring that story to life on the screen, the story of Shutu, Mimi, Tani, Vikram, and the Bakshis. if she died now, she shouldn't feel sad. but I guess she should live on some more. after all it looks like she has just become herself (you can kinda see that in the way she dresses too, as if she wears clothes only that resemble her skin her soul). but yes, she can now never create anything anymore and her life would be accounted for.

I'm still searching, I'm still trying different garbs. nothing seems to fit.

coming back though, regardless of how brilliant her movie is, it depresses me, not because of the tragedy in it, but because it spells out yet one more aspect, one more thing about India(ns) that I hate and that hurts me.

strangely, few people I know who saw the movie, seemed to have understood the last scene. and I guess none of us would have got it if she hadn't revealed it in the first scene. so the movie works better if you're streaming it or watching it such that you can go back to the first scene after the last. if the big screen is where you saw it, the likelihood is greater you will misunderstand, cos then you will think you know, misled by a combination of your memory and your self pity. cos each of us was Shutu at some point. Konkona too. Vikram too. but Shutu cannot grow up alone, if Vikram doesn't, if Mimi doesn't, if Tani doesn't. one cannot drive safely on Indian roads unless everyone does. but we in India don't learn how to grow up. I guess it says something about the self pity in our lives that we feel good with aggression behind the wheels.