you know too much, you must die!

when I was in junior high school probably, I once wrote an essay for English class - and I forget what the topic was - in which I used a quote from somewhere (someone): "the moment you think you have humility, it is lost". I was struck by it for very long, still am, no wonder I remember it. its almost like a conundrum, you are taught to try to be humble, but if you strive toward it, the moment you think you've done well on that front, you are in fact congratulating yourself for a supposed virtue, which effectively means you are not humble anymore. since then I've known in some ways that I was a snob and I gave up trying, as long as I wasn't overbearing.

that was ironically also the time when I knew nothing about the world around me, other than what the school books taught and what the fiction I read said. I hated what they called 'general knowledge' and the news and history and everything real outside of my life and what it bumped into. I was a sad child, but also self centered, I lived in my head, and my thoughts were about me and how everything related to me.

I am a very different person now, at least I think so. so much so that I had a dream the other day: I was in different conversations with different people, in different places, and the one common thing in all was that I managed to be the douche-bag that would wreck each conversation with a know-it-all comment that completely embarrassed the other people and their uninformed opinions. by the way, a 'douche-bag' isn't just a random word-phrase, but it is actually the name given to a vaginal pump; probably for that reason, when its used to refer to a person in a pejorative manner, its usually used for men. but yes, being a woman, I can be a douche-bag sometimes. you see, I know too much (I must die).

people hate to be shown that they are wrong. and its worse somehow if you do that with some proof such that they can no longer claim they are correct. it usually leads to awkward silences and/or glares of hatred after which they wish you would disappear or they would. I don't know if I'm saying this from memory within or outside of my dream, but somewhere I seem to remember these awkward silences and glares.

now this dream isn't far-fetched because I can be quite like that sometimes. I've noticed I love to prove things and people wrong, point out the typos and errors, in fact even my dissertation grew out of a similar need (no wonder its all lying unpublished).

however, to be fair to myself (and of course, I'm not being humble) its quite amazing the things people say and get away with, and its quite amazing how ignorant or uninformed they are sometimes. I know an aunt of mine has stopped forwarding irrelevant emails since I pointed out to her and other family members that a number of these emails were fake, and technically known as 'spam'. in fact, she took it quite well and even pointed out to others who forwarded spam. that was courageous.

I don't quite know how to go on without becoming supercilious, but it was amusing that I had this dream, and how the younger me could have never in her wildest self-centered imagination, foreseen this.