waiting for my sister's visit around the corner of the month. I have strangely spent most of my time with her with my parents in the background. we get along pretty well I'd say and yet life came in the way, and we didn't get time alone much. I remember the last time she visited me alone, I was in dschool hostel, it was sun-less winter, with Christmas coming up. I don't remember how long she stayed in my lil one-bed room, but what stays in memory is the fright she gave me. we were in the Janpath McDonald's one afternoon cos my sis isn't too experimentative with food. and it was grey and cold and we decided to take an auto back instead of the whole-metro-rickshaw plan cos she wasn't feeling too great. and that scene is still in my head - she n I right at that corner, me trying to hail an auto, while also comforting her and worrying what was wrong with her and beating myself for having brought her far. she had just sort of blacked out inside the McD's. it was very brief but very scary. I tried to keep her warm in the auto and got her back to my room somehow. she slept all evening, I smuggled some food up for her, and we didn't really tell our parents cos we didn't want to worry them. we thought it was just the cold, and she being used to Bombay probably didn't take it too well.

I don't know when we told our parents but somehow all of that is blurry in memory. she went to a number of doctors, while I was back in delhi for my next semester. and now, in turn, my parents and sis didn't tell me every detail because they didn't want to worry me, what with my last semester and placements going on. they didn't tell me that doctors suspected cancer, its horrible to even write that word now, because it brings that horror back. anyway they told me, I think, just when I was supposed to pack up for good and go back home. the second really clear memory I have is of me reaching bombay by train one morning, and mom standing there waiting for me (usually I think I'd get home on my own or don't remember too clearly, but mom alone come to receive me was very rare). and the minute my mother saw me, she burst into tears, she was so afraid for my sister. I remember feeling shocked, helpless, guilty, lost, and yet at the same time like my mom needed me so bad. dunno how long it lasted, but that time was terrifying. we spent some days at the hospital with her. I remember I used to have a lot more faith those days, and I'd find myself praying every now and then, a very vehement kind of praying, and I don't know if these were dreams or waking prayers but I remember fighting with these snake-like structures in my head that kept growing and twisting and me hacking at them, continuously, cos apparently that was the only way to fight them. apparently docs had found some unusual muscular growth in her neck (that had sort of choked her the couple of times she blacked out) and suspected it was malignant. I remember my dad would wake up with wide eyes in the middle of the night at the slightest groan from my sister, and it scared me to see him like that (it also made me respect him so much more, seeing how much of all that was being soaked up by him). while at the same time it made me feel like I'd been spared much of this terror, and guilt is underrated compared with what I felt, specially given all that I wanted those yrs in delhi was to get away from home for good.

I remember the day the biopsy report came. I kept praying in my head, almost all day, and yes it was 'all clear'. apparently it was just muscular growth, unusual yes, but not malignant and hopefully not dangerous. she still has a scar from that surgery on her neck, and I remember many follow-up scans and MRIs. but the opinion turned more toward, unusual but possibly harmless growth in the years when a female body changes a lot. and the thing did slowly subside and we slowly forgot about it.

phew, I hadn't meant to write all that; for a long time I felt superstitious even talking about it, even in retrospect. even now it makes me grateful and faithful. anyway, she is visiting me without parents now, now after then. and I wonder how we will be, together. she and I are both married now, and are different people. plus she is married to someone I am not sure I know or like. but she and I are still thick, and have in some ways become more honest with each other, since we bridged the age-gap that always exists till you hit 20-ish something. I am no longer the elder one really, we are more equal, although she is still very immature (I think we agree on that) and yet more grown-up-ish (in some outwardly traditional sense) than me. She still is best buddies with my parents, which I've always felt was a worrying sign for anyone in their adult years, and yet I think she sees my point when I say that to her. plus, she is coming without the hubby and mine won't be around either. kinda a rare visit I'd say