how could he have known that civilian life would be so isolating. all those years of youth spent (wasted?) in the army had left him now the oldest student in his classes. he just did not identify himself as one of them. always, always felt left out. it wasn't as if they weren't friendly, and it wasn't only that he himself was quite an introvert - at first at least. it was inexplicable. he didn't share their joy at living from day to day, lacked their enthusiasm for company, conversation, hanging-out as they called it, thought them to be juvenile. in fact, their presence almost infuriated him. and often he felt superior, in an accusatory and defensive way, if you know what I mean. like you do sometimes when you feel like your past, very different from those around you, defines you, and separates you from others, especially if you feel the others have been fortunate in ways that you didn't have the fortune to be.
so he determined himself to just pass through college, get his degree, and wait for life to happen outside, among grown-ups like himself, maybe.
college was fun though, apart from the people. he was doing well in his major, computer science. and the compulsories weren't bad either. economics sometimes felt so futile and removed from real people and markets. and yet there were days where it would strike a chord with someone in class and start a discussion. or when he himself caught the instructor after class to just talk about the economics in the world outside. she wasn't much liked, he felt; not by the other students. she tried to create a hierarchy between herself and the students, probably more so cos she was so small in stature and needed something to separate herself; probably cos she was too young and from a different country and didn't know otherwise. whatever her purpose, she managed to create hostility if not heirarchy; something of a separation at least. but he didn't mind her. maybe because he felt like she was on his side, against these young foolish teenagers.
in fact, even after her course was over and forgotten, he kept bumping into her on campus. and then he saw a different her, a more open, relaxed and friendly person; a younger girl, almost. was it the confines of the classroom that brought out the devil in her? or was it that now that he had successfully completed her course, he was a little more her equal? she always remembered and recognized, and would ask about him beyond the mindless and numb 'how are you's of most people.
he did get his degree one day, a really happy day. and looked at himself in the mirror. he had already nearly gone bald. and his thick spectacles made him look scholarly way beyond his education. could he see in the mirror that most people found his eyes very shifty? that most of those who knew him would never remember what color his eyes were? he saw not a college graduate but a middle aged man, just as lost though as a juvenile young adult about his life ahead. for a minute he was suddenly seized by an urgent need to share this moment with others, to maybe go out drinking with back-slapping guys. but he hadn't made too many friends, none so intimate.
working life absorbed him, almost suddenly and completely. and then one saturday evening, tired of the television and the pizza that he had ordered and unable to think of anyone at work he wanted to spend some time with, he started racking his brain for memory of friends in the city. and then suddenly, he wrote an email to her. to reconnect and maybe get to know her. 'would she mind catching up? just getting to know each other. didn't have to be a date'. he thought about it, it shouldn't be a big deal or anything. he wasn't her student anymore, so no conflict of interest, etc. etc.
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