lately the way I've been whining and complaining about acne both on and off my blog, and the way the modern web picks up cues for targeted ads has resulted in youtube giving me suggestions of acne videos and even movies and sitcoms streaming online patiently waiting for commercials from serious acne and skin medication to entice me. what caught my attention were some of these commercials of medical solutions to some skin diseases I haven't ever heard of, with warnings of very serious side effects. and when I say very serious, I mean even fatal. like lowering the body's immunity to other diseases - TB, cancer, lymphoma, liver damage; and some sure effects like causing depression. and the commercial touts the miracle of the drug and its possible side effects, all in one breath, with no economizing on the details, not even an effort to conceal the evils (not that that's what they should do, but it is incredible that they can so unashamedly talk about the bads of the drugs and yet go ahead and actually advertise it)!!!
Is this an American thing or is it just a human thing; that appearances are so important. that the skin and what's visible is worth more care than is general health and well-being. now some months ago I was awed by this country having figured out effective cures, where back home in India all you got was natural home remedy suggestions from every other (unasked-for) agony aunt. but then slowly I realized how much damage these chemicals cause to the natural skin, and how the best thing one could do was to stick to organic remedies (just like they say back home).
one dermatologist on youtube even defended his medication's side effects of inducing depression with the argument that acne causes depression anyway when a person suffering from it faces lack of confidence because of unsightly appearance. and therefore according to him even if the medication caused some depression in the short run, it cured acne in the long run and therefore had the net effect of actually reducing depression!!! wow, what an argument.
look at this commercial for instance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8oejFeTv5o
Monday, July 30, 2012
so apparently Diane Rehm has a speech disorder; its not only her age that makes her voice sound so frail and labored.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XM-nrgVVHGU
ok, so I'm usually in favor of equal opportunity in employment and everything, but shouldn't a radio host selection, where voice is the most important, base its choice on the clarity, ease and efficiency of a candidate's voice? aren't there other people who are much better qualified for the job with their voices; and who should get a chance? because someone has a disorder of some kind, should it necessarily imply employing the person in a kind of job where that very disorder is the core of her work? is it sympathy or what?
I know I'm late with my mornings when by the time I've switched on my radio its already 9 and the voice I dread to hear comes on...
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
something I heard on the radio the other day during a story promoting a new movie about a young girl just beginning to be aware of her sexuality.. "she is dressed provocatively in this scene, just like teenagers her age usually are". the comment made me think, that it was said so casually yet with some acceptance and understanding. you know what I mean if you've seen those undergrad women walking to school wearing shorts little more than bikini bottoms, with more than their legs showing. its a remarkable thing then to see men behind them walking without an untoward glance, when sometimes I can't take my eyes off. you really have to give the American (male) credit for how he has trained himself to not look (when will the Indian man get there). now, I'm not a lesbian (at least not to my knowledge) but a flab-less human body is beautiful. I love to sketch the human anatomy, and more often than not, when I do that I settle for the female. cos its beyond arguing that the female human body is really beautiful with all its curves suggesting gentleness. suggesting emotion, thought, love and intimacy.
so then you think of how teenage girls in this country (and some more) have the freedom to flaunt their new found sexuality. to share with the world her sudden surprising triumph that ohmygod she is beautiful. every woman has that stage in her life. when after months (maybe years) of stabbing aches in her chest and discomfort with her body, one day she looks at herself in the mirror and realizes that she is a beauty.
and then its always natural to want to show off anything beautiful you have. so there's a trend with age in the wardrobe of say, an American woman. in her teens she grows out of clothes chosen for her by her parents and into everything she imagined her idols to wear. with increasing access to more and more information, her teen idol image is wide, and she outdoes them all.
its all part of growing up. and it makes her proud of who she is. a woman. unashamedly so. and here their male compatriots must be given credit. who sometimes ogle, often desire, but rarely violate the female independence.
compare this age trend in an Indian woman's wardrobe. in my mom's generation there was a similar trend although always at a much lower freedom level. in their teens they wore skirts and trousers with trendy tops; but never showed more than their arms and necks and maybe ankles and knees. a halter top was like the limit that caused whispers and nudges. they were limited to admiring themselves alone in front of the mirror or maybe were too incredulous to do that because the world didn't seem to second their opinion. a show of body was considered outrageous and not beautiful. that trained their opinion likewise. and once they got married there was a natural shift in trend to Indian clothes, and even saris were taught to hide the slim pretty waists.
the Indian teenager who grew up with me saw a lot of societal change in her life in her country. she was told repeatedly that she was no less in any way than a man. and yet she was told to cover herself up. she grew up wanting to feel beautiful. but she was told she wasn't safe if she was attractive. she was more aware and exposed to the world than her mother and had more temptations to compete and show herself off. and therefore the world around her pushed back a little harder, clearly setting boundaries for her. she fought off the ban on hip-hugging jeans, then shorter tops, and by the time she fought off the ban on showing off her legs a little higher than her knees, she was already in her twenties. which meant she had to stay there, quit the fighting and give some part of her life to more serious stuff (like Economics). this had already led to something of a reverse of the age-trend in her wardrobe.
finally in her late twenties after she was married she found a different freedom. her marriage became a handover of responsibility, and an acceptance of coming of age. such that now no one could blame her for being irresponsibly clad.
many of my friends experimented with showing off their body for the first time when they were 25+. women who thought their legs were stocky and misshapen wear shorts and minis now, and pose for photographs to put up on their facebook accounts. the off-shoulder, backless dresses they should have rightfully worn as teenagers came to them much later in life. I have beautiful shoulders and yet I've not so far shown them off. before my age starts showing on them, I should take my chance.
so then you think of how teenage girls in this country (and some more) have the freedom to flaunt their new found sexuality. to share with the world her sudden surprising triumph that ohmygod she is beautiful. every woman has that stage in her life. when after months (maybe years) of stabbing aches in her chest and discomfort with her body, one day she looks at herself in the mirror and realizes that she is a beauty.
and then its always natural to want to show off anything beautiful you have. so there's a trend with age in the wardrobe of say, an American woman. in her teens she grows out of clothes chosen for her by her parents and into everything she imagined her idols to wear. with increasing access to more and more information, her teen idol image is wide, and she outdoes them all.
its all part of growing up. and it makes her proud of who she is. a woman. unashamedly so. and here their male compatriots must be given credit. who sometimes ogle, often desire, but rarely violate the female independence.
compare this age trend in an Indian woman's wardrobe. in my mom's generation there was a similar trend although always at a much lower freedom level. in their teens they wore skirts and trousers with trendy tops; but never showed more than their arms and necks and maybe ankles and knees. a halter top was like the limit that caused whispers and nudges. they were limited to admiring themselves alone in front of the mirror or maybe were too incredulous to do that because the world didn't seem to second their opinion. a show of body was considered outrageous and not beautiful. that trained their opinion likewise. and once they got married there was a natural shift in trend to Indian clothes, and even saris were taught to hide the slim pretty waists.
the Indian teenager who grew up with me saw a lot of societal change in her life in her country. she was told repeatedly that she was no less in any way than a man. and yet she was told to cover herself up. she grew up wanting to feel beautiful. but she was told she wasn't safe if she was attractive. she was more aware and exposed to the world than her mother and had more temptations to compete and show herself off. and therefore the world around her pushed back a little harder, clearly setting boundaries for her. she fought off the ban on hip-hugging jeans, then shorter tops, and by the time she fought off the ban on showing off her legs a little higher than her knees, she was already in her twenties. which meant she had to stay there, quit the fighting and give some part of her life to more serious stuff (like Economics). this had already led to something of a reverse of the age-trend in her wardrobe.
finally in her late twenties after she was married she found a different freedom. her marriage became a handover of responsibility, and an acceptance of coming of age. such that now no one could blame her for being irresponsibly clad.
many of my friends experimented with showing off their body for the first time when they were 25+. women who thought their legs were stocky and misshapen wear shorts and minis now, and pose for photographs to put up on their facebook accounts. the off-shoulder, backless dresses they should have rightfully worn as teenagers came to them much later in life. I have beautiful shoulders and yet I've not so far shown them off. before my age starts showing on them, I should take my chance.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Spring and Fall: To a Young Child
Márgarét, are you gríeving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leáves, líke the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Ah! ás the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you wíll weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sórrow's spríngs áre the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It ís the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.
Gerard Manley Hopkins
Monday, July 9, 2012
ever since I've been living on my own, I've got into the habit of listening to the radio. its one of the first things I fix in the mornings. and its the surest companion to all my cooking, cleaning, and acne-scar-treatment regimens. and of course, NPR it is. rather a member station of NPR for this region - KERA. (I probably should pay/contribute toward the public good, but will think of that when I also stop stealing information from nytimes through incognito windows). so apart from the really slow, dragged, and feeble (old) voice of Diane Rehm, which fills me with one of those unnamed anxieties of stagnation and lack of life; and the Prairie Home Companion, which I don't know why I'll never follow, understand or enjoy, radio is a pretty cool thing. and I don't know if this is weird but it feels kinda anachronistic to hear about 3D-printing and artificial intelligence on of-all-things, radio. radio, which even as a child, I thought to belong to a decaying age, a companion for older people who lacked stuff to do, who probably couldn't read/watch due to some medical conditions of the eyes.
and now without a TV (not that I want one. I always felt the TV robbed one of the freedom of choice to watch it cos it sets in such inertia once its on and you're in front of it), and a keener genuine curiosity for what's happening in the world (that I till some years ago, thought I was genuinely incapable of), radio has become my refuge. it gives my apartment a sensation of ongoing conversation even when I'm alone, and lets me free to be busy with something else at the same time. and it tells me these stories about the world. both important and entertaining, and shocking, and funny.
so in the last few weeks I've heard something surprising (other than the fact that 3D design prototypes would be available for free download and you could pretty much make anything you wanted yourself). the progress on artificial intelligence. I hadn't ever given artificial intelligence a serious thought, relegating such ideas to the realm of science fiction and never realized how commonplace its becoming with the advent of something like self-driving cars. and its funny I was just making small talk with my dad-in-law (about the constraints to possibility) the other day but I realized that everything scary that science fiction predicted has more or less been successfully avoided in reality. that science and technology have so far not created any great demons for humanity, other than maybe Facebook(!!) and then listening to some stolen/free ridden news on nytimes and KERA I heard about what's happening on the topic of artificial intelligence. now that's a topic that I'm weary of. that sounds scary with the possibilities it has. there's one short story on it here
http://www.npr.org/2012/06/26/155792609/a-massive-google-network-learns-to-identify
the key word here is 'recognition'. and there was a more interesting story (that I cannot find anymore) where computers were being told/fed synopses of Shakespeare's stories and were taught to recognize and identify patterns of human behavior in these dramas. for example, the identification of the phenomenon of revenge. of opinions and therefore different perspectives. the second key word common to both stories being 'identification'. now that, on a really simplistic level is pretty cool. if a machine can, from information alone, manage to identify, recognize and isolate patterns out; it surely implies some self-learning and thinking. and the possibilities of more progress are both frightening and exhilarating. is there a machine out there than can express itself (and what is a 'self' if not its experiences and learning) in say a blogpost of this kind, or maybe is waiting to but has not as yet received the command to do so, and 'will' someday not wait anymore.
and now without a TV (not that I want one. I always felt the TV robbed one of the freedom of choice to watch it cos it sets in such inertia once its on and you're in front of it), and a keener genuine curiosity for what's happening in the world (that I till some years ago, thought I was genuinely incapable of), radio has become my refuge. it gives my apartment a sensation of ongoing conversation even when I'm alone, and lets me free to be busy with something else at the same time. and it tells me these stories about the world. both important and entertaining, and shocking, and funny.
so in the last few weeks I've heard something surprising (other than the fact that 3D design prototypes would be available for free download and you could pretty much make anything you wanted yourself). the progress on artificial intelligence. I hadn't ever given artificial intelligence a serious thought, relegating such ideas to the realm of science fiction and never realized how commonplace its becoming with the advent of something like self-driving cars. and its funny I was just making small talk with my dad-in-law (about the constraints to possibility) the other day but I realized that everything scary that science fiction predicted has more or less been successfully avoided in reality. that science and technology have so far not created any great demons for humanity, other than maybe Facebook(!!) and then listening to some stolen/free ridden news on nytimes and KERA I heard about what's happening on the topic of artificial intelligence. now that's a topic that I'm weary of. that sounds scary with the possibilities it has. there's one short story on it here
http://www.npr.org/2012/06/26/155792609/a-massive-google-network-learns-to-identify
the key word here is 'recognition'. and there was a more interesting story (that I cannot find anymore) where computers were being told/fed synopses of Shakespeare's stories and were taught to recognize and identify patterns of human behavior in these dramas. for example, the identification of the phenomenon of revenge. of opinions and therefore different perspectives. the second key word common to both stories being 'identification'. now that, on a really simplistic level is pretty cool. if a machine can, from information alone, manage to identify, recognize and isolate patterns out; it surely implies some self-learning and thinking. and the possibilities of more progress are both frightening and exhilarating. is there a machine out there than can express itself (and what is a 'self' if not its experiences and learning) in say a blogpost of this kind, or maybe is waiting to but has not as yet received the command to do so, and 'will' someday not wait anymore.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
she kept looking back
at her trail
the mess she always left behind
and she needn't have turned back either
cos it all stained her heart
weighing it down with every step.
she was heavier, more stooped over
with every step
every encounter.
she couldn't forget.
stubbornly, aggressively, self righteously
she went on
feeling everything in excess
overdoing it all
leaving people overfed, sick and puking
tired and disgusted
sighing as they finally breathed at her exit
at the expulsion of her air reeking with emotion.
on and off she would find a recluse
when no human was in sight
the blackbirds doming the air above her head
those raindrops barely testing her skin for thirst
when she forgot the people-world
cos every spark of feeling needed a co-heart to burn with.
she couldn't cause to destroy alone.
at her trail
the mess she always left behind
and she needn't have turned back either
cos it all stained her heart
weighing it down with every step.
she was heavier, more stooped over
with every step
every encounter.
she couldn't forget.
stubbornly, aggressively, self righteously
she went on
feeling everything in excess
overdoing it all
leaving people overfed, sick and puking
tired and disgusted
sighing as they finally breathed at her exit
at the expulsion of her air reeking with emotion.
on and off she would find a recluse
when no human was in sight
the blackbirds doming the air above her head
those raindrops barely testing her skin for thirst
when she forgot the people-world
cos every spark of feeling needed a co-heart to burn with.
she couldn't cause to destroy alone.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
I've been putting this one off for sometime now...a week ago I turned 30. yeah, that scary milestone of age where you can no longer excuse yourself with the usual "I'm still a kid". I wonder what I had thought of being 30 when I was say sixteen or so. because I can still pretty well remember those days. and remember myself from within, and how I felt, what opinions and desires I had, how I was often challenged by others with the claim that I was too young, too rosy-eyed to make sense. I don't think I gave turning 30 ever a serious thought. not even last year when I was despite myself heading headlong into it. in fact, not even on the day when I did turn 30. but yeah 2 weeks before that something strange happened. I suddenly felt like the horror and the mystery of that number 30 were coming true when my life felt like it was imploding. like I was suddenly left alone, cheated, ridiculed, without a plan, with no defence, hurt, and yes, alone. what struck me then was the similarity with that awful bollywood movie (I couldn't bare to watch) - 'turning 30' and how cliched what was happening felt.
I don't know how things turned around. and now looking back those 2-3 weeks, everything feels so irrelevant. so petty, so inconsequential. maybe this is the real change. from then to now. having crossed that landmark age. its not the maturity, its perspective. its the realization that things take time. and intensity. and real change. for change to occur. and a lot of that is hardly reversible. hardly. you can blur it out if you want. you can force it to an unremembered corner. but if it occurred and it changed you, you cannot undo it. you cannot erase it. you cannot oust it from your life for a little aberration. a little imperfection. you cannot, meaning you are futile for trying.
it also then squares what's you and what's the world, and how one causes the other. I am not all supreme, I don't call all the shots. and yet I'm not helpless either. I can decide. I can choose but I cannot control what I am when I make that choice.
focus your mind on something or someone who moves you. or look at them for a long while in silence. and notice the range of emotions that cross your mind, and then contemplate the effect of any stimulus on you and how you would react depending on what part of the spectrum of your range you were on when the stimulus hit you. and a minute later that changes. and you change.
this one week I've felt really fragile, and this last month almost everything turned against me. only almost. cos I'm still me, I'm still alive, still calm and happy and wise. and although I haven't made myself proud, I still haven't let myself down in any way.
so I'm literally financially hard up, more so than I have ever been in my life. so much so that I had to ask my dad to sponsor my tickets for my sister's wedding. and this because I'm being paid much less for some months cos the school wanted to cut down expenditure and grad students being slave labor, we have no reservation utility. to top that I now have a place of my own which means my rent shot up and my bank account empties out as soon as the paycheck comes in. all this highlighted with the irony of receiving a check in my mailbox on the eve of my birthday for an amount of, guess what, 35cents!!! yes $0.35, not in coins but a check. the paper must have been worth more. (that incidentally, sums up the American attitude and efficiency)
my work has come to a standstill, and I've just been fighting the fact that I need to start over again. I've been teaching enough to not want to do it one more day, and yet yesterday was a good class and that made me happy. made me realize it wasn't me that was wrong. I'm still good at it, just as I thought I was 10 yrs ago when I taught my classmates statistics but never aspired to make it part of my profession.
and I am not a cog in the wheel. I get to choose and I'm looking forward to teaching game theory next year as promised, though I'm sure my knees will be knocking against each other at least the first class. and I'm still reading interesting stuff and thinking interesting thoughts even if they lead to nothing. and in fact today I remembered why I'd come here in the first place. to while away some part of my life studying something I liked. and I'm doing that. and my panic was only because I was trying to change that to a more purposeful and time bound plan to prove myself a genius.
compared to when I was 16 then, I now look better (and still get asked for my ID at times when I want alcohol) but get more acne! am more independent, and happy living by myself, and more loved, more confident, and have enough years behind me to know that I recognize people well for what they are and that I've been lucky with those around me. and I've done most of what I longed to do then but was restricted from, and there's still more and nothing now is stopping me. so here's to the 4th decade of my life. those are just words, don't read too much into it. life is just as good on the other side of every landmark, especially if in the middle of the summer, at 11pm last night the breeze turned cool (70 something) and the sky was clear with a glowing full moon generously smiling down at me
I don't know how things turned around. and now looking back those 2-3 weeks, everything feels so irrelevant. so petty, so inconsequential. maybe this is the real change. from then to now. having crossed that landmark age. its not the maturity, its perspective. its the realization that things take time. and intensity. and real change. for change to occur. and a lot of that is hardly reversible. hardly. you can blur it out if you want. you can force it to an unremembered corner. but if it occurred and it changed you, you cannot undo it. you cannot erase it. you cannot oust it from your life for a little aberration. a little imperfection. you cannot, meaning you are futile for trying.
it also then squares what's you and what's the world, and how one causes the other. I am not all supreme, I don't call all the shots. and yet I'm not helpless either. I can decide. I can choose but I cannot control what I am when I make that choice.
focus your mind on something or someone who moves you. or look at them for a long while in silence. and notice the range of emotions that cross your mind, and then contemplate the effect of any stimulus on you and how you would react depending on what part of the spectrum of your range you were on when the stimulus hit you. and a minute later that changes. and you change.
this one week I've felt really fragile, and this last month almost everything turned against me. only almost. cos I'm still me, I'm still alive, still calm and happy and wise. and although I haven't made myself proud, I still haven't let myself down in any way.
so I'm literally financially hard up, more so than I have ever been in my life. so much so that I had to ask my dad to sponsor my tickets for my sister's wedding. and this because I'm being paid much less for some months cos the school wanted to cut down expenditure and grad students being slave labor, we have no reservation utility. to top that I now have a place of my own which means my rent shot up and my bank account empties out as soon as the paycheck comes in. all this highlighted with the irony of receiving a check in my mailbox on the eve of my birthday for an amount of, guess what, 35cents!!! yes $0.35, not in coins but a check. the paper must have been worth more. (that incidentally, sums up the American attitude and efficiency)
my work has come to a standstill, and I've just been fighting the fact that I need to start over again. I've been teaching enough to not want to do it one more day, and yet yesterday was a good class and that made me happy. made me realize it wasn't me that was wrong. I'm still good at it, just as I thought I was 10 yrs ago when I taught my classmates statistics but never aspired to make it part of my profession.
and I am not a cog in the wheel. I get to choose and I'm looking forward to teaching game theory next year as promised, though I'm sure my knees will be knocking against each other at least the first class. and I'm still reading interesting stuff and thinking interesting thoughts even if they lead to nothing. and in fact today I remembered why I'd come here in the first place. to while away some part of my life studying something I liked. and I'm doing that. and my panic was only because I was trying to change that to a more purposeful and time bound plan to prove myself a genius.
compared to when I was 16 then, I now look better (and still get asked for my ID at times when I want alcohol) but get more acne! am more independent, and happy living by myself, and more loved, more confident, and have enough years behind me to know that I recognize people well for what they are and that I've been lucky with those around me. and I've done most of what I longed to do then but was restricted from, and there's still more and nothing now is stopping me. so here's to the 4th decade of my life. those are just words, don't read too much into it. life is just as good on the other side of every landmark, especially if in the middle of the summer, at 11pm last night the breeze turned cool (70 something) and the sky was clear with a glowing full moon generously smiling down at me
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