my life feels like snakes and ladders. I go from 'salary is stuck due to unknown paperwork missing' to that plus 'I'm unable to pay rent to my Hungarian landlord cos my Desi bank won't let me add him as beneficiary and the slightly insane landlord doesn't want cash anymore..' plus 'my (only) bank card suddenly froze and was declined at multiple locations such that I can't access whatever little money I do have' !! and then soon back to just the first again. 

even at this age I'm always at the brink of homelessness. what would I do without hubby and family. did I mention last month when I moved from my first Airbnb here to a flat with a lease, i found my shower drain to be clogged (in a fancy 'Gurgaon-style flat with blue night lights on the loft-bedroom stairs') such that after a few days I had to book a day-hotel just to bathe, and fight with landlord that clog wasn't my doing and that he needed to get it cleaned asap. 

on the cheery side, cos sunlit hours are so many here in the summer, I've started going for 5:30am runs. and my flat happens to be a block away from the large city park, that also has a nice running track with laid in cushion. this one morning an older fit sweet guy was running in the opposite direction and smiled and waved at me the first time we crossed. and then the second time, he extended his hand sideways and we did a really cool running side-five. another morning though there was this homeless guy on a bench having a conversation with his imaginary friend/colleague/landlord/enemy...

an Italian woman colleague said last month that as the weather was getting out of spring and warming it's way into summer she had started noticing homeless people, and she asked me if my walk after our late group dinner had felt safe..? I did admit that that was the first time here i felt a lil unsure of walking alone.. I met a couple harmless drunk fellows, but also said that maybe my feeling unsafe wasn't warranted cos nothing happened, and that a homeless person doesn't have to be a threat... 

I was also watching an American documentary on homelessness... 

back to my problems - real and imaginary - this one Sunday morning some guy was peeping into my (ground floor) windows, and even knocked on my door. that morning I froze with fear and was dead silent waiting for him to go away. turned out he was some technician and with a friend he worked the whole day pulling out wires from on top of every door in this building around our shared courtyard. 

and one day my phone just slipped out of my hands and onto the sidewalk and it's glass screen shattered. a few days later the best I could do here (this is not Motorola country) was get a Jordanian guy to stick a plastic screen on top of it so that glass shards didn't keep chipping off into my fingers as I touched it. 

that's the life I live.

I've had some fabulous langosh (with beef beans and sour cream, and paprika) recently btw in Drum cafe. it's the Hungarian substitute for pizza dough i guess, which they top with various stuff, the dough is fried though almost like bhatura, also reminding me of something very similar in Navajo country that's called a Navajo taco! 

and some cherry (cold) soup! these guys love their sour cherries.. even boiling it in a milky soup..? and serving cold (the broth feels yogurtish with the sourness of the cherry almost curdling the milk, but is nice!)

and some Egyptian Koshary. tomorrow will try it with liver (whose I'm not sure). Goose liver is very Hungarian btw..

I am also getting hooked onto the many gelato shops around.. y'day i got a scoop from a sidewalk counter of Nandori cukraszda (was it?) just before a hoard of kindergarten littloos who had been shepherded there by their teachers (I'm guessing)... summer is nice here.

I like the Europeans who accept that they are prejudiced against Americans. even though I also now find the only American colleague here 'loud' and his responses predictable.

And in a group of Europeans, talking with them in what one called 'international English' today, I sometimes start speaking broken English too.

today I explained amused, to a bunch of them, how many of us in India are more comfortable in English than in our 'native' language. heard an interesting historic summary of how the official/scientific language in Europe shifted from Latin to French to German and since the end of WW2 slowly to English as German was abandoned or as Germany and Habsburg etc. failed it's scientists who fled to English speaking America. 

also heard a different perspective on maternity leave in Hungary. had earlier heard from another bunch that it's very liberal giving the mother 2-3 yrs wherein her salary slowly decreases as a percentage. today these guys gave me a different perspective, claiming that it was a Soviet era policy to pull women out of the workforce by enticing them into motherhood, and also to keep unemployment low.

very interesting conversations, again more with and from men than women...

one woman said that she couldn't imagine making America her home because the country was too large (compared with European countries) and thus lacked in her imagination (she has never been across the Atlantic) the feeling of cosiness, of small friendly close-knit neighborhoods, ... 

and I wondered about cultural and social and neighborly horizons...

when I asked a guy here about his country, Latvia, I noticed his description his answers were all in the nature of a comparison between Latvia and UK, where he now lives and works. in India I don't feel sexy. I don't know whether it is the weather and the heat most of the year, or the pollution, or the umpteen social and other demands on one's time and the navigating of the traffic and the city it takes to get to them, but we barely have time and mood for sex. here, there are quite a few sex shops, and there is something about the place that is keeping me aroused. and it isn't just being alone (that also tends to do that by allowing me a lot of free time for exploration) because it isn't like before. unless it is something about the verge of turning 40, about the spurt before it will all finally slowly die out... y'day I wore shorts to office cos it is getting too hot to be in pants and walking around, and I do have a longish walking commute that I prefer to taking public transport. I compensated by wearing a bright white shirt tucked in that is soft and just a lil see through, and dangling earrings that seemed to go well. (earrings I have been doing since I got here as I am always negative on make-up anyway and silver jewellery is the only thing I am bonkers about given some time to bother with, which I am getting here). office was empty, no one else had turned up, a few are travelling, a few have left, one I know went to a doctor... later I saw a colleague and with him a friend of his who is also trying to get a contract here it seems. the new guy was checking me out quite visibly and maybe this is just me but I felt his mood dampen soon as I mentioned 'my husband' in conversation. is being desired a usual turn-on? it hasn't always been for me cos I do remember warding off a few people in my history who seemed to want to get close and also being ew-ed by it a bit. but then there are others you don't mind and brush away, some who surprise you because just then in your life you thought you were losing your youthfulness and charm, some who scare you a bit (like hubby did in those early days) because well because you hadn't expected it and you don't know whether you want it and whether its something you can handle (I remember those days I avoided dressing up even a bit when I was expecting him to be around cos I didn't want to stir anything), and some you seem to warm up to because of it. and then just yesterday I was wondering whether my self-diagnosis of being bi-sexual is mostly wrong because its been a while there's been a woman in that list of people I have felt anything for. and I got my answer this morning. I was walking across the large expanse of city park (near where my apartment is) on my way to the other immigration office to register my address, in shorts a sleeveless cotton shell with a rain jacket tied around my waist cos the last couple of days here have been monsoon-like; I passed a few runners as it was still not late in the morning, and then saw this particular one - small in frame, short hair, in a tank and shorts, running up to me. I couldn't tell whether it was a guy or a girl (my eyesight isn't great either) but there was something about the running posture, something about the gait that I kinda related to, made me want to join in. as I got closer I first saw the reddish face, hot and sweaty but happy with the running, and I just smiled wide, a lips-only warm smile that seemed to communicate I saw her happiness and I understood it. and she smiled back at me, mouth slightly open and breathing heavily, as she passed me by. I didn't even need to look back to get another glance at her, something profound seemed to have been exchanged in that one look and smile. in case you are still wondering, the answer wasn't just that I am attracted to her, a woman, but that it didn't matter whether she was one or whether I could tell but there was something about her as a person and about how I related to how I thought she was feeling, and how she was enjoying something I do too, and that she saw it and responded, something about all of that in this case, that left no doubt in my head as I walked on with the memory of that moment in my mind's eye, still smiling.

I had expected to blog more about Budapest from here, about the city maybe this country, some sort of a travelogue... but being alone after so long has been kinda self introspective and meditative. 

I think I am still in love with the idea of falling in love, and with the idea of someone falling in love with me. 

I find conversations with men so much easier than with women. I make friends rarely but fast. I like people who don't like making small talk, who are awkward in one way or another, who are non-ordinary and/or uncomfortable. but yeah I am still surprised by the people I like, by the deception of first impressions, by how comfortably i reveal my soul to some..

I got that longed for haircut. But only after about a week it's feeling like I could have got more chopped off, it's a nice haircut though, realised after getting it that a lot of women both old and young here have something similar. Had got a feeling that here they would be able to do a short women's haircut justice. now for that coloring it, waiting for paycheck. 

there's a person at work who is shy and sweet, older but feels more alone and possibly still single. I think almost everywhere where I get to know a few people, I feel like one is falling for me. and even I seem to like him, rather I'm growing fond of him. but as I was telling hubby i wonder if getting any more friendly would send out the wrong message, and that being married sometimes inhibits me from exploring serendipitous connections.