when I was a young teen, I have no idea why the world thought I was very maternal, or rather, some of them told me that I would make a great mother. (later when I lived with some friends and was the only one who monitored and was after others' lives to keep the place clean, they nicknamed me 'mom' too, for very different reasons.) then, even I thought I wanted to be one someday soon. but then I didn't know yet, that those thoughts of mine weren't quite mine, they had been bequeathed to me. now, since I started to have my own thoughts (or so I think till some future me will refute this) I have always wondered why in the age of contraception do people have kids. let me rephrase: why does everyone have kids in the age of contraception? or almost everyone. the power to not have kids puts a huge responsibility on the choice to have them.

so I asked around and seemed like there were two reasons that seemed to resonate with most people. 1. kids were supposed to be fun, and great company, at least when they were babies and lil human beings dependent on parents. "joy" was the word many used. "the greatest joy in the world"; from those who hadn't seen much in the world anyway. or "I wanted someone I could call my own". love, loyalty, companionship. the need to feel needed (wanted). 2. "clock-ticking away" yes, that exact phrase. just because the choice to have a kid may no longer be available, it has to be done now. before it is too late. sort of like a prescient version of the 'you miss what you have lost'. at the base of both these reasons, somewhere deep down is also the (sometimes) unconscious desire to leave a biological part of yourself in this world that will survive past your own demise.

either way, I found both these reasons too selfish to exercise the power to create a new life - for my own satisfaction (joy or eternity) - and leave it to the mercy of this world. there is also the third reason - that which taught me to want to be a mother when I was barely a teenager - society; but let's give that its worth and ignore it here.

I therefore determined not to create lives till I could find my own reason - something not selfish - to do so. I believe I have found my reason at last.

the only real reason is to forget oneself, because 'I' am anyway an illusion that my brain creates for efficiency. in reality I am not a separate being, I am not in control, I do not really choose. that is, the only reason to make a baby is not to really make one but to give up controlling not to make one. to let things be, and to give in to what may happen and how it might change 'me'. is it true that the early years of caring for a newborn changes a human brain in ways that are similar to an infant human brain's growth in complexity?

but that doesn't mean I am ready now. far from it. I might have found my reason, but I'm still not willing to give in, I still cling to the illusion of control. I do, however, want to read some serious neuroscience, and maybe child psychology.