ok so I'm this Indian girl brought up in a respectable family. what does that mean?
it just means that I have these subtle perceptions ingrained within me, those that are difficult for me to shed, even willfully. here is a short list:


1. a woman's breasts are to be kept hidden as is a majority of the female body

2. sex is for after marriage

3. some things (those above included) are not to be talked about

4. shame is easy to gain and impossible to be rid off

5. women are more vulnerable to shame than men

6. 'money' is an embarrassing topic of conversation


its not an exhaustive list. but it serves the intended purpose of communicating an honest picture of who I was made to be, and much of who I still remain, despite numerous self-taught ideas and behavior that conflict with the above list.

so what is this post about? its an effort at an honest confession of failure to be what I'd like to be. the ideas passed onto one (even without conversation) in one's early years, form the basic sculpture of one's behavior, if not of one's thought. even today, I'm uncomfortable with plunging necklines, not just my own but of other women I'm trying to talk to. even today if you catch me sleeping on my side (soundly), you would notice my arms crossed across my shoulders to hide myself. there have been occasions when I've either lied or kept the truth from my parents and of those I am almost guiltless. even today I think honesty is not the best policy with them, for their own good (and this is a deep belief, not an excuse). even today when I'm asked to relax and lay still and free at the end of my yoga class, I cannot un-tense my muscles. I am conscious, awake, aware, alert. prepared to hide.