my problems are I chase perfection too much (which can make me controlling) and yet I don't like to perform and be in the hotspot. or maybe I like it but the possibility of messing up while in the hotspot is too upsetting. Online teaching is teaching me what I like and don't like about teaching. I do not like leaving my home to teach, because teaching is a lot about performing and that makes me anxious and nervous, and my tummy runs; and that becomes a source in itself of embarassment if I have to visit the loo often at school; I used to go into buildings where no one would recognise me, far from my own department. online teaching is also easier cos only my face and shoulders show, and I needn't get into the "is my butt showing, is my bra showing, am I looking too good/sexy for a teacher's image...; what should I wear...". and that has felt easier moreover in India cos American students even commented on these things a lil more; once a student bothered his neighbor cos he was wondering about my sexual orientation. here there is more deference (or so I think so far) for heirarchies, which though not always good, does help in class.

I also want to butt into his therapy, recovery, maintenance, etc. but I am conscious of it and try to kill that instinct. sometimes it's hard, when I know my life with him depends on it, my own sanity and well being depends on it. I usually leave our home to give him privacy for his video therapy calls. and I have realised that helps me disassociate myself. cos y'day I was at home with my ears plugged with music (cos the pollution outdoors is awful these evenings and cos I get tired after long teaching days) and it was harder; I felt shut out, unwanted, wondered why I needed to be shut out, how and why did he benefit from a wall between me and him. 

my problem is also too much honesty, and the expectation of the same from others. so I end up blurting out everything that bothers me about someone, about the how and the why, and then it upsets him. he isn't so good at self expression, plus his therapist has been teaching him to ignore and dismiss thoughts, and I think the first step to that is not offload them at me. but that again makes me feel shut out.

I'm reading a book of personal notes on mental health that he read and recommended. and I kept feeling this is so much more than about mental health and illness, this is simply about one person's place in her world, about her connections and her bias toward herself in how she perceives everyone and everything, said and unsaid, from within her mind. we all have that relationship with the world, maybe more or less frought, maybe with a greater or smaller feeling of being victimized or a greater or smaller effort at self analysis. I know if my mom in law wrote notes like that, she would always be the victim. what I like about the book is the self analysis, the effort to peek out from the biases imposed by the illness to turn the tables and to practice empathy, to question and unravel her biases. writing helps do these things. and I keep thinking of those lines where she writes, asking herself if her illness was abusive to her then partner; and what does it ask from a caregiver. I think all personal relationships become emotionally abusive at some moment or another. I also think 'abuse' is a very big word. the goal is to realize, be conscious, and to prevent. and two people can be constantly learning and practicing that. I am learning that my concern, my need to help, my need to belong in every solution, my need to adopt every problem, can upset.