I am reading Amiya Srinivasan's The Right to Sex, wherein she examines sexism and feminism through the lens of the private and personal and yet highly politicised act of sex and the social constructs surrounding it. The books that I love best are those that make me realize my unexpressed feelings, opinions, experiences, and even more so if those amount to some larger latent truth of my life that I and others had so far not understood or observed in entirety. This does that in many lil parts, but also did that in a big way in the pages I read last night where she is deconstructing student professor relationships: what they have the potential to become, what is the role of societal gender conditioning, and what is the responsibility of the more responsible party in it.

Yes, a professor's role is to inspire and to stir and arouse the student's passions and curiosity for the subject, and in doing so give rise to the by-products of awe and admiration and desire (to be like the professor or more directly for the professor, but often a confounded emotion of both). This can also be influenced by the social construction of the dynamic of power (and authority to appraise) between the (often) male professor and the female student. But it must be the professor's responsibility to not make this personal and to not be affected by this and to keep it purely professional. Srinivasan quotes a female student, that she would have been devastated if any of her male professor idols had taken even the slightest advantage of her awe/admiration/desire for them, not simply because it would have been a breach of trust but because it would massacre for her, all the credit and appraisal she had earned for her work and would have reduced it all to sexual attraction, thus destroying her self worth which often depended on male appraisal in this gender distorted world of ours. 

It hit home. My first big crush on these lines was a professor at Dschool, whose course and conversations made me realise the love of learning for the pure sake of learning. He helped me through my struggle to get into a habit of hardwork too. The second was my PhD Advisor who had also been my teacher and boss when I worked as his TA. The third I think is now, this much more senior and brilliant professor who I know very little personally but whose fame and brilliance have me enthralled. I've been very lucky that the first two were friendly and yet professional with me. The first still welcomes me warmly every time we meet while also giving me honest feedback on what I "always were", someone who kept questioning my worth and purpose. The one time in heavens breaking rain in the late evening when I was struggling to find my way to the metro station and he offered me a ride in his car, I refused, a lil annoyed; he let me be, but then stopped again and insisted; I think I sat in the back rather than with him in the front to keep my distance, and he dropped me off at the metro, courteous and professional. The second, my Advisor, I got overly friendly with, so much so that I would visit his office to talk about anything and everything and sometimes even get upset when I felt the one-sidedness of my emotions. He refused my invitation for a gathering at my place, but was always open to hearing what I had to say, about teaching, about the incumbent ideas in economics, about my interactions with others on that campus, about my sudden revelations and findings on any subject really. I am grateful neither of them caused to devastate me.

The third is this person some blogposts ago I wrote about. His attention frightens me, makes me want to disappear; and yet so far I have no clue about his reasons. Does he see me as a woman or as a person. In this patriarchal world where each of these men were and are symbols for me, sources of admiration and feedback on who I am professionally and who I want to be, who I want to be like, I want to be seen and known and desired for my thoughts, my words, my work, and never for my gender my sex. 

I do realize that I have inculcated this in myself too, partially unintentionally (but who knows), where in my professional circle and interactions (and maybe beyond), I've been seeing people as persons, individuals with separate characteristics and talents, rather than as men or women. I used to think that was what made me slightly bisexual, but I don't know, maybe that's what simply makes me non-discriminatory on the basis of sex and gender.

Srinivasan draws the analogy of the therapist-patient relationship and cites Freud's clarity on the ethics of such an influential/powerful role. She argues that consent is not enough, and what must be considered is the effect of such relationships on the student, on her/his self worth and their will and progress as a student after. I had a student one semester in Texas with some history of sexual harassment, who I noticed barely wanted to show up for classes and even when she did her classmates snubbed her and treated her with disrespect. I tried to reach out if she wanted to talk but she was offended I think and closed herself in. 

Ironically one of my students some years ago got into the habit of chatting and walking with me to my office after every class. I was friendly and professional and this went on almost the whole semester; he told me he carried a gun (this was Texas) because he lived in a troubled neighborhood, we discussed politics and other issues while I remember saying I tried to keep my biases/opinions out of the classroom, till the last day of class after which we found ourselves talking about feminism. His idea of feminism was militant and extremist, and that of sexism was that it was innocent and unintentional and arising simply to accommodate biological differences in a less developed world. He stopped visiting after that day, after hearing my views on sexism and my 'coming out' as a feminist. And maybe that was ok in many other ways. Srinivasan quotes Jane Tompkins from A Life in School, "Life is right in front of me in the classroom, in the faces and bodies of the students. They are life, and I want us to share our lives, make something together, for as long as the course lasts, and let that be enough."

I find the young inspiring these days. Not just my students but some my nieces and nephews too. And from some I feel their awe toward me. It is important to encourage, admire, support, while leaving it untainted and undamaged, un-devastated and whole.