I've been feeling sad and empty. Except when the family drama around us makes me feel annoyed, frustrated, or simply irks me to listen to all that self pity. And I've sensed someone to be very lonely amidst all that. And pitied him for it, but also for seeking my company, while feeling both uncomfortable and vindicated by it.

But more than anything, I haven't seen him in more than four months. In this overlapping of our lives where I caught up only after some fifty odd years of his. And it feels like this will be thrown away. Feels like sacrilege. With her too. 

What is the point then? 

What, remind me, was my mattering project?

Last month in Spain I felt alive again. But also felt old this time, because the last time I was in Europe was four years ago! That was when I first noticed my cellulite. Now, many things are changing in my body, and possibly in my mind. My wrists feel like they can't grab suitcases as easily as they used to; I often spend nights waiting to feel sleepy; my almost-constant weighing scale reading is becoming history; I get injured very easily now. 

But it also feels like it's been a long and fruitful summer. 

And yet I'm left with this sinking realization that each of us is wasting this magnificent life on triflings.