I think I have trouble being tied down. having an employer. funny me saying this after getting a job after nearly four years. 

most people thought I wouldn't be able to find employment again; some thought I wanted domesticity or motherhood instead. barely anyone understood and everyone offered advice.

yes I had trouble finding employment, but that's because the Indian education system is messed up and nearly impossible to reason with. but somehow I found a loophole to their obduracy. and this year I have multiple offers. 

you got engaged to a Shira, and then you realise you are attracted to a different Shira ( watch Shtisel for context); that's how I feel now. having committed to the safest most practical option (the one that came first, hah), the one that even when committing to I felt like it was the wrong but risk averse decision, I now feel I erred. 

I feel my nature is to take risks and after earning some grey hairs I thought my nature had changed, but no, "one is still what one is going to cease to be...."

plus for the very first time, since the start of the pandemic, I had begun to reconcile myself to remaining on in my own country. and now I get an opportunity for a brief stint outside, but my commitment and the lack of consideration of my fiance (employment wise) prevents me from accepting it. the irony that is life. you live you learn, shit happens, and you're helpless, and you realise life and death and health are more important (but even those are location-dependent).