am i vain or is it self appeasing. it begins with a realisation that i have very few guy friends. in every place that i'v made my home or basically wherever i have stopped in this continuously relocating life of mine, i feel that more than one guy starts falling for me. and it is difficult because these guys who i feel going soft on me, are the ones i would actually have liked to know better and get friendly with. and then soon as i like someone enough to want to be friends with, i get these strangest side glances and unasked for attention and discomfort from them.

i think its actually deeper rooted than that. theres somthing formidable in this small frame of mine that normally has ppl, esp those of the opposite sex maintain a respectful distance with me. don't ask me why. actually i think its these huge scary eyes of mine. i'm serious. they scare me in the mirror sometimes. anyway, wherever the horror appeal; the fear is real. so basically these scared guys treat me like an ice maiden. and then suddenly if i start being nice to someone, or i get revealed to someone as not actually being the snob and tyrant that i resembled; they flip once twice and (pass this off as my imagination or plain exaggeration) they are bowled over. he he he. actually its not so funny. i lose prospective friends. and as there are very few lucky people who get such prospects, eventually i have concluded with a strong belief that i will not make any more new friends in my life. girls? uff. somehow with women i am actually saturated. they just try my patience now. i mean the new ones in my life (and some of the old). thankfully there are some engaged guys i like and can afford to be nice to. and all this actually amounts to my having very few friends in fact. but thats ok i guess. because many old deleted ones i trashed myself and then emptied the recycle bin.