I've been alone and I've thought a great deal. and I've read and am just about to finish Milk Teeth by Jessica Andrews; the girl goes to Barcelona in this. familiar names of neighborhoods and important streets crop up; names that I had barely learned there, barely reached. He had spent years in Barcelona, was telling me about his time there when I told him I was off to Spain and that would be my last stop. coincidences. K comes back tomorrow. I wonder how i will feel when I see him, i haven't seen his face or his body in the last 10 days, we just talked. I went to a party in the rain, rain enough to cancel plans, but I went because I wanted to feel different i wanted to talk to near strangers i wanted to see how i felt about people. most still don't move me, i feel as if they lack a curiosity of the soul and a carefulness that understands fragility. K has that, and so did he. I miss both and i can't afford to lose any such people. 

I'm on my own for some days. I have a friend at work now, but he's a kid almost. K is away and i am wondering who I am missing more. I feel like life sneaked up on me, caught me unawares, and i can't recognise myself anymore. I'm not able to work much. Sometimes i binge watch something that feels close to my situation. Everything seems to be trying to tell me something. When did this unraveling begin, how did I not see it then. The last two years have been heavy but just when it feels like we have done well, i realise I've forgotten myself somewhere, I've obliterated my memories because they all felt corrupted. I don't know what our life has been about anymore. Were we together to work this mess out. Was it when the confessions began, was it when he began to gain weight, was it Budapest and how alive i felt there, was it what happened in the hospital, was it the things my sister said, was it me feeling like I was here only to 'care for' him. I've been cursing, exclaiming, and holding my head in frustration again and again today. Why aren't we taught to recognise and deal with our feelings ever. Mister Rogers' senate speech from 1969 popped up in a show i was watching, in a very powerful scene. I've been watching his speech on YouTube again and again since then. "What do you do with the MAD that you feel". I wish he had been raised like that.

I've also been more blatantly ignoring his parents now. what's the point in obligatory respect and conversation? they don't even acknowledge our truths, our struggles. they are full of prejudices and sexism.

I remember quoting Vikram Seth's words from golden gate when he had proposed. to make the point that some people thought in that way but I didn't, or didn't want to. but I guess it was too much attention from someone i was also in awe of somewhat, and as with much of what's happened in my life i fell into what was chosen for me by life. what is it that life is trying to realise through me now? why must i always be on the edge of something precarious? why is it so hard to understand what i am feeling 

snatches

how much is too much when it comes to expressing hurt felt due to, or affection for, someone you newly know.

can we truly really know anyone, other than possibly one's siblings.

is falling out of love a thing? and if so, what does it mean to prevent it, to rekindle ...? one doesn't 'try' to fall or not fall in love, then why 'try' to not fall out? is it because the falling in destroys nothing but the self but the falling out devours all around while giving birth to a new self?

awkwardness, and the things unsaid, those are what i care about. let us talk them out aloud.

when is a relationship simply co-dependency, and when is it mutual addiction? the friend who once told me she feared being single because she feared being alone (in response to someone else's break-up news) lost her husband to cancer some years ago, and is now left with a daughter. the other person who shed tears when her decade long relationship broke off, saying she feared she was too old to find someone again, got married about last year.

why have my students not heard anything of the opioid crisis? why are my colleagues not aware that Italians in Europe are stereotypically similar to Indians in the world? and why do i care that I stand out amongst my people and feel different; abroad that doesn't bother me much.